I fasted from social media for 21 days – January 7-27. Why would anyone do that? Why would I do that? I like social. I particularly like Instagram, and I watch a few YouTube videos every day. Have a question? YouTube it. Look cute? Tell the world on insta. Nothing harmful about it, right?
Well yes… and no?
Recently I have noticed that my screen time was up – I mean all the way up like Carl Fredrickson – as high as 14 hours per day. (How many hours am I even awake?) I have been feeling burdened, also, about what kind of example that sets for my kids. I was having some ill-effects, also, including moodiness, drowsiness, poor or blurry vision, poor memory, poor sleep, and mostly I was concerned that even when my kids were talking to me – or to the side of my face while I looked at my phone like a straight-up zombie (Mombie?) – and I wanted to climb out of the dark, insensate, waking coma that my days had become. I am ashamed to admit how much I was in my phone, but it was a lot.
The 21 day challenge was issued by my church pastor: Please join us for 21 days of prayer and fasting to begin this new year. As soon as I heard about it, I knew I wanted to do it, and instead of fasting from food (not a good idea for me due to past issues with ED and because I work out pretty strenuously some days) I decided to fast from socials, and get my screen time down in general. This is the area of my life where I am the least disciplined, and I was actually scared that I would not be able to do it – which let me know that I really needed to try. My goals were simply to be more present, in my life and especially with my kids, to use the time I would be in my phone to make real connection and to create, to pray more, and I had one thing in particular I was bringing to God daily, and I wanted him to bless and keep me through it, so that was on my heart as I fasted each day, also.
The following is a record of how it went.
Rules: During this time, I was not “allowed” to use Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or Reddit apps and I tried my best not to use the phone mindlessly in general. That meant not picking up my phone immediately upon waking, no podcasts while driving/getting ready for work, no mindless scrolling of any kind, I had to use texting or calls (ick) to communicate. Other than that, I was free to use other apps as I needed to and I do use my phone for work so that was still fine. Mostly I used my phone related to bible, workouts, and cooking. I also used my “Notes” app anytime something popped to mind that I thought I might want to write down later (this post is later).
My observations:
Thinking about the prayer and fasting as I walk out to my car today (1/10/24). I noticed that a worship song called “You are worthy” is in my head. It’s just me singing “you are worthy, you are worthy Oh Lord” over and over in a loop in my head, as I don’t know the rest. I contemplate that we humans are created for companionship with God, we were created to worship. So… is this like a factory reset? Is a social media detox like returning back to, or closer to, our purposed state?
The other thought I had (still 1/10/24) is that I noticed yesterday and today that my screen time overall is down 62% from my “normal” usage. My first thought is, “good golly, I spend a lot of time on Instagram”. But I think it’s more than that: I think that being sober from the internet makes me want to see just how clearheaded I can get. I’m less likely to pick up my phone for texts or Amazon orders or to check emails because I don’t want to feel attached to it, and I feel less of a need to be attached to it.
1/11/24 Fewer selfies. I guess because I have no place to post them? No one to “prove” my workout to or share my deeply profound thoughts with. Except if I decide to do that in my actual real life… Went to my regular dance studio and started to take a boomerang, and I can’t, and who would want to see it anyway? Prevention of self-absorption. Less documenting of the banal.
I have noticed today that I sometimes have more anxiety. Or maybe the same amount of anxiety, but I feel it more. Nothing to numb it or distract.
Today 1/12/24 I got bored. Boredom’s gift is creativity. On a whim, and after enthusiastic agreement from them, I started reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone aloud to my kids. One night we all dressed up as characters from the book, using items from our own wardrobes, and guessed who we all were, and took turns reading. It was fun. It was connection. It was also private, un-photographed, and undocumented (except here).
Bargaining, but not in the way you’d expect. Each time I go to pick up my phone, I ask myself, “do I really want to rack up screen time just for ______? A YouTube workout, for example, will cost me 30-45 minutes. And yes, YT is technically not allowed but on freezing dark mornings at home I do sometimes lift weights and follow along.
1/12/24 Prayer doesn’t come easier. This one is a wee bit surprising to me. I thought with all the free time and some newfound discipline I would be spending a lot more time in prayer, or at least want to. Studying God’s word is still not my first instinct or reflex in the morning and it doesn’t feel great to admit that, but I’m working on it.
Less gossip is a major side effect. 1/15/24. Some things happen or conversations are had, and I can’t skip over to the DMs and say “guess who I saw” or “you won’t believe this message I got”… not that I do that often but a LOT of people who are “in my life” are really only on this little hand-held TV. So I don’t know what’s going on with them organically. That’s weird. The gossip thing is good, too, but also it’s a challenge not to “chat” with any friends after years of doing it.
1/19/24 If God doesn’t fill your heart (and your time) something else will. Meaning that when you leave it open, you’re giving opportunity for lots of things/people/ideas/behaviors to be introduced or take hold. There are so many things vying for your attention and your (extremely limited) time on earth. What is the most important thing? You can tell by how you spend the most time, right? Who or what is sovereign for you? (This is me asking myself, not judging anyone else.)
1/19/24 Related to that last thought, and I think super important to note: Social media is certainly not the only way to waste time. On a screen or otherwise, it’s easy to find distraction, and removing social media does not automatically mean you are doing it right.
1/23/24 Social media is boring, I keep thinking. I am not missing it and I have not felt as tempted or as torn as I believed I would. I seriously was nervous to commit to this challenge, or to tell anyone I was doing it, because I thought I’d have major withdrawals and fail at it. Also, and this is a great one, I’m not as “influenced”. I have noticed this week that the only thing I have purchased from the internet, aside from some items for my kids, is books.
Oh! And! (Probably the very hardest part for me) - During the fast, I was not allowed to listen to any ambient noise. I have read recently about what effect listening to, for example, rain sounds while sleeping has on the brain, and I wanted to try to stop doing that. Some scientists believe that listening while sleeping may not allow the auditory system to shut off/rest at night, and may interrupt the natural sleep process over time. The jury is out on this, but I do know that I have become dependent on my light rain (shout out to The Relaxed Guy on YT!). In the spirit of breaking addiction/dependency, I had to at least try to sleep without it.
(I also used to fall asleep to Pride and Prejudice every night. It’s a comfort thing, when you struggle with anxiety or any kind of trauma, at least in my experience, you crave routine and dependable things, so this was that for me. But just like the rain sounds, the flashing lights and constant stimuli even if I was not totally conscious, were possibly having ill effects and again, I wanted to know that I can live without them.)
Y’all… my dread over this one was REAL. I have loud neighbors, with barking dogs, and I just did not think I could live without my rain sounds. BUT the one I love to listen to is a 3 hour loop and that would mean I start the day in a deficit of 3 hours, and I wouldn’t have an accurate idea of time spent on phone, so I had to cut it off. And I did. Strictly. I can proudly say, three weeks later, that I did learn to sleep without it, and had maybe 3 nights of poor sleep out of the 21, so that feels like a win. Two of them I had some panic, but I got through it, and it’s super valuable to know that I can calm myself and regulate without any other assistance.
I am happy to report that I made it. My screen time was way down and I learned that I can live without the soul-draining device I’m constantly told I need in order to live. The bad news is, this past week since the fast ended, I’ve dove (diven?) head-first into the deep end. I caught up on messages and returned to scrolling and listening to music. I have not re-incorporated sleep sounds, and I do not plan to. Moving forward, I hope to fast again and for longer periods of time, as I like how it made me feel. I’d encourage anyone reading to give it a try and see how you feel after a couple of weeks being “unplugged”.
It’s an odd kind of peace, what I’ve been feeling the last couple of days. It isn’t blissful, and it isn’t resigned. I can’t explain it to anyone because I do not understand it myself.
I had a dream about Dad. Maybe 3 nights ago, maybe two. The days continue to blur into one another. In the dream, he was sitting in a stairwell. Might have been in a hospital or … it actually reminded me of the back stairs of a convent where I spent some time as a kid. I approached from the higher floor, walking down some steps towards him, my view was of his back. He wore a white shirt (always a white polo shirt when I dream of him) and a blue vest. He wore that vest often in his earthly life.
As I came around to him and sat beside him, I was aware of another person standing half a floor down the stairwell on our right, and someone else standing behind me. I am not sure now who they were, but I think I just forgot that detail when I transitioned from asleep to awake.
I looked at his handsome face. I am sure I hugged him, or tried to hug him. Sometimes in my dreams I can’t accomplish physical things like hugging, or punching someone. For some reason I am unable to move quickly, like I’m stuck in quicksand or slow-motion. There is great resistance. Anyway, I hugged him and told him that I’m sad, or that I am struggling, something like that.
He asked me why.
In that moment, in the dream, I had the awareness that I was speaking to my “no longer living” father. It was not a wish-fulfillment dream where he was living and I was living and we were continuing our lives or what felt normal for me. No, in the dream I knew the whole time that he was dead, and I was meeting with him in that state. So when he asked me “why” I was sad, (the answer being incredibly obvious from my viewpoint) or why I wanted to quit, (I really think I may have communicated many things to him without having to say them) my first thought was “maybe he doesn’t know he’s dead”. I didn’t want to tell him, I thought that might be devastating for him and I also didn’t know what would happen. What if he ran from me or disappeared? What if I upset him? I keep thinking about this moment because I believe wholeheartedly that sometimes – not all the time – we visit places in dreams we cannot even think to touch when we are awake.
I did tell him.
I took a deep breath and said, as gently as I could, “well… because you left.” (Or something like that. I apologize for having to almost completely paraphrase dialogue from my own dream but there was almost telepathic communication, not so much speech, and instant understanding. So it is difficult to transcribe here.) And he, in his way, responded with “well why should that make a difference?” or “yeah, so?” as if to say that his death need not be a hindrance on my life. He had run his race, and now it was time for me to run mine.
Especially because I could see that he was fine, still himself and still somehow with me, I found comfort in that. Dad was always like that, encouraging me in a very common sense way. It was absolutely something he would ask, in the way he would ask it.
Since having that dream, I have felt peace, but not in the way that I think anyone reading this will understand it. It’s like a warm blanket, that drowsy feeling you get after drinking hot cocoa in the evening or reading before bed. Calm, slow, sleepy, at rest. I wrote today on Instagram that I can’t tell if I am healing or if I am going completely numb. Is my heart falling asleep? Or did seeing him help me in some way I can’t put into words?
I don’t know what it means. If it means anything. I just wanted to write it down.
No, there are no beefcake strippers. Sorry to disappoint.
***
Last night I had a dream that Nicolas Cage came to my home, and said hello to my son. I was trying to explain to my son who Nic Cage is, and all I could think to say is that “he loves Superman, like you do! He named his son Kal-El!” And then I pointed to Nic’s rad Superman socks, which were clearly visible as he was wearing them with loafers. Most of the rest of this dream will remain between me and my dream journal but I will mention the part where he (Nic) was adamant that werewolves and vampires are real and he actually knows some of them.
(Also I think he might have been doing lines of cocaine off my duvet cover while I was talking to him?)
So this morning at breakfast, as he is wont to do, my elder son asked me about my dreams. I told him about this one, since he was in it, and we chatted about magic(k)al creatures and beings and possibilities. It is Magic Monday, after all, so what better day to hope them into being over scrambled eggs than today?
The Universe sent us the greatest tie-in today, in the form of a letter. It was addressed to Emmett and the postmark said “ALASKAN WILDERNESS”. I asked him who in the world he knows in Alaska, to which he replied as most pre-teens do to most questions: “I dunno”. Turns out the letter was from Santa himself, and the details are too precious for public consumption but suffice it to say we have proof of magic – and on Magic Monday!
All this talk about aliens showing up on 12/21 or “making themselves known” makes me think, what if it isn’t aliens? What if all the others are going to reveal themselves? The vampires and witches and such? That might be cool. I mean, I don’t really care if you’re a werewolf or whatever as long as you’re going to continue to be a good neighbor and not eat me, knowwhatimean?
****
Aside from that magic, there was other magic to be observed today. Black storm clouds rolled across the horizon this morning and I thought it might be a gloomy day. But driving back home from school drop-off, I looked at the skyline and in the distance I saw the faintest sliver of pink and orange light. So small it was almost imperceivable, but I kept my eye on it as I made my way back home. Once parked, I jumped out to photograph it and luckily I succeeded, with a gorgeous shot. It’s a panorama that shows the blackness of the sky all around where I was standing, and this one colored spot just over the hill.
A few moments later I took another photograph and realized that the light area was beginning to spread, and the darkness was moving away. It was a message, I thought. A message that even the smallest light can have an effect. A near-unseen glimmer can be enough to clear out an untold amount of darkness. I was reminded of Bob Marley, who said “light up the darkness”. He said other things that I hold close to my heart, too, but that’s the one that came to mind. Light up the darkness. You can’t know before you try just whose life may be changed or in what way, but you better believe that your light can make a difference.
By afternoon, the skies were a pristine blue, and there were no clouds in sight.
I posted about it on social media and in the evening I had a thought, as I sometimes do. I wondered if people see these things I say, or write, or post, and think, “Who does she think she is?” Years ago I’d have been offended in imagination, mentally rehearsed and recited a defense, and even felt the emotions that would accompany it.
Today I giggled, because I am not coming from an ego place at all. If that’s the question you’re asking then you are missing the point entirely. It’s not about who I think I am. It’s about who I think you are. Who you could be. Who we are, collectively. I can see the power in you, you know? The magic. I can see the light.
***
I wore my goddess amulet today, some tight jeans and a tiger-print sweater with zebra-print rain boots. (Did I mention the ominous clouds? I legitimately thought we were in for some flash floods.) I straightened my hair and moisturized my face, but didn’t wear makeup because I hate the way it feels on my skin. I felt so good, so confident. Beautiful. Radiant.
This Magic Monday, I am grateful. Grateful for conversations about mythical beings with my small humans, grateful that nature speaks directly to me in the most subtle and profound ways, grateful that I am not the person I once was – in heart or in spirit. Even grateful that at my age and ending this difficult year, I am still capable of feeling beautiful just as I am.
Driving to pick up some barbecue for dinner today, I had a revelation. It stems from the outfit I’m wearing today.
I’ll explain.
I’m wearing a dress today that I have had for a long time, maybe a year or so. There’s nothing wrong with it. The dress is lovely and light, perfect for Summertime and it fits me well. It’s yellow and floral and frilly and beautiful, and I have until today been afraid to wear it.
Wait, what?
Who’s afraid of a dress (I mean besides the big white ones that come with rings and dramatic promises)? Well, this girl was, for a number of reasons.
First, this dress is bright and happy, and I wasn’t feeling that way. Yellow is not a color that says “I am moody” or “Don’t talk to me”. It screams, “Smile!” and “Sunny day bicycle ride” and “Let’s go get a popsicle together!”
Second, this dress is sexy.
To clarify: it’s not a sexy dress. It’s not what you think of when I say the word “sexy”. (Yes, there’s a difference.) This dress isn’t cut to hug every curve or show a lot of skin. It covers much of me and it flows away from my skin in the breeze. But when I put it on, it feels like I’m wrapping myself in a long-forgotten version of me, or perhaps she’s a brand-new version I’ve not become.
For most of my life, in my friend groups, I have not taken on the role of Sexy Friend. Historically, I’ve played the part of a sincere friend, helpful friend, aloof friend, sidekick friend, even bitchy sarcastic friend on certain late nights and weekends. Never was I up front, sitting center, or walking in slow-mo to maximize the effect that me walking by might have. That’s just not who I am – or how I saw myself – outside of the confines of my own living space.
Wearing this dress today I have felt open, and sexy, and radiant, and … well, happy. True happy, which is way above fake-it-til-you-make-it happy or posing for a photograph happy. I’m talking true, puppy who just got adopted, tail wagging so hard it’s spinning me in circles, happy.
So this dress – or rather, the beams of light radiating from me as I float through the world in this dress today – got me thinking about good energy vs bad energy, or high vibration vs low vibration, and what happens when the two meet in human form.
For example, let’s say you’re feeling fly like a G6 and smiling and saying hello to your neighbors and even when the barista gets your coffee order wrong you’re still singing in the car all the way to work because you’re grateful to have that kind of First World problems. Then you run into a kindred spirit who is similarly cheerful, grateful, and radiating light. You are instantly attracted. Not in a romantic way, but in recognition. You want to be near them, and it’s not really a thought as much as it is a pulling feeling in the center of the chest or navel area.
This attraction happens because you’re reflecting back to them the light that they are. You are vibrating at a high frequency, and their vibration is at a similar frequency, and your inner beings create harmony together. The divinity in them recognizes the divinity in you. It’s like a soul hug. Or a Vulcan mind-meld but with less agonized screaming.
“I can literally FEEL the gratitude.”
On the other side of that, (and this is the really important part for me because I am living it out and I literally just realized what is going on) when someone is repelled by you and your light (the you that is functioning as a divine light being having a human experience, your best self), two things are happening:
One, you are reflecting back to them what they are not – which is to say, what they are but they are not currently BEING or choosing to be, because in truth they always are the divine and the light, just as you are.** When they see and feel your energy, they immediately feel things like guilt, or shame, or insecurity. This is not your fault. It’s only because you act as a mirror for them to see themselves clearly and for many people, that’s too much information that they’d rather not look at so closely.
Two, you are in high vibration and high frequency and they are at a lower vibration, which creates dissonance. You both experience disharmony. Again, it’s not a thought, and very seldom does the conscious mind understand what’s happening. It’s not a soul hug this time, it’s more like a soul wedgie. It is a feeling within that instead of pulling, pushes. You want to get away from them and likely, they want to either get away from you as well or to lower your vibration so that it matches theirs (and therefore you are in harmony, which FEELS better.)
Side note: When this happens it’s very common to lose friends, family members, and other people from our lives unexpectedly and sometimes in big and messy ways. Harsh words are said, feelings are hurt, pride is injured. They will do what they can (unconsciously) to lower your vibration because it’s comfortable for them. It is easier to lower frequency than to raise it, so please be aware of yourself and do what it takes to keep yourself shining light.
In my mind, losing friends is preferable to lowering vibration. To achieve higher vibration there has to be a willingness to confront and integrate the shadow, to heal the inner child and old traumas, to cut out discordant beliefs, fears, and stories. It is hard work. The reward for that work is the privelege of embodying a version of yourself that isn’t dependent on outer circumstances and isn’t easily changed by being in the company of lower-vibe people.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
All of this happened in my mind in the span of about 8 minutes, and I really couldn’t wait to come home and write it down.
**No person is really darkness except he who chooses to be (and even in that choice, he is just denying the light he came from, not truly existing as darkness.)
This ocean is new. I have not seen or felt it before. I have seen the other ocean, it was bluer, and the old ocean, it was louder. This ocean is gentler, calmer. There is a symmetry to it, a greater sense of balance. This new ocean is what all the oceans that came before wanted to be but couldn’t quite get their fish together, if you know what I mean.
This ocean is mesmerizing. All the seas and oceans and lakes I’ve ever seen held a certain amount of mystery, of majesty but this one – this one is unparalleled in its depth and breadth. The waves are gentle and almost obsequious, keeping their rhythm in time with the tune in my heart. I squint at the horizon as it greets me like an old friend, reaching its long lavender and rose fingers across the sky and overhead.
My toes sink deep into the soft, gray sand. Seashells reflect the sun’s light back up to heaven and there is a hint of a breeze that lightly moves each rebellious strand of hair from my face as if to say, “Let me see you, child.” For a time, we – the ocean and I – gaze into each other.
Oh, tangy saltwater on my lips and the sweet promise of oblivion!
I relate to the ones who walk out into the waves and vanish. This introduction feels more like coming home, a return to myself, although I do not remember being born here or having left. (I ponder the notion that perhaps I do not remember because this ocean has always lived within me, so we have never truly been apart.)
My soul recognizes this place. I have been here… before existence, before time and love and hunger and sorrow – long before this forward fumbling that is the human experience. I was graceful once, and fluid. Majestic, boundless and wild.
As a wave breaks over my head I acquiesce, just for a moment, to the pull of the tide, limbs and body unrestrained, relaxed in a cool comforting embrace.
Inside this tiny modicum, this speck, this trivial fragment of time, nearly imperceptible – perhaps quicker than a lightning flash – I am healed. Whole. Unquestioning, unapologetic, and true.
The moment fades, and I exit the water, taking my own flawed shape once again. I tread gently over the broken seashells at the shoreline, and I smile at them. I smile at them because I am among them, the broken things along the shore. Beautiful, weathered, eternal. I, too, am a part of this ocean and she – in all her magnificence – is a part of me. They say if you hold a seashell to your ear you can hear the ocean. If you listen closely enough, you will hear the waves within me, too.
Life is short and do should tell people you love them! Don’t hesitate! Tell them now! No regrets! YOLO! (does anyone say YOLO anymore?) If you love someone, let them know!
The number of posts I see on social media that say this or something similar is crazy-making. I get the general idea, but let’s talk about the practicality of it.
There are lots of people whom I genuinely love that I don’t tell every day. If I say “I love you” all the time it loses meaning. It loses potency. If I say it after every phone call (which I did frequently in my old life) it becomes a way to say goodbye, not a profession of endearment.
Now, I will be honest here and say that I am of two minds on this. I am an extremely affectionate being and I long to experience love as both a giver and a receiver, so I will tell the mailman I love him and mean it. No issues there. On the other hand, I think following my loved ones around constantly professing my adoration has a really disingenuine vibe, as does calling up that girl I was best friends with in 4th grade just to let her know I liked being her friend.
So my question is, does everything need to be said?
Is the desire to tell everyone everything we feel at all times really stem from a want to keep them close or make them feel wanted? Or is it a desire to feed our own egos, to lather a balm on some deep childhood wounds, or even to (hopefully) have someone reciprocate pleasant emotions to us?
Also, if I love you – Meaning I have expressed and shown love to you in some way in my lifetime – do you not already know? Do you not fondly reminisce on the crossword puzzles we shared or the time we fed your dog table scraps without your parents knowing or sneaking out to leave Boys II Men lyrics under each other’s doormats (hi, 8th-grade crush)?
I mean, all Han and Leia ever did was argue, and even heknew she loved him.
I’m grieving a loss, and yeah that’s why I’m writing about this. I sometimes think about how I wish I had told her every day, all the time, how much I love her and appreciate her. But that’s no good, that kind of thinking. It serves no purpose and besides, she would have thought I was a kooky bird if all I ever did was follow her around saying “I love you, I just really need you to know that I love you”. No one does that because it’s weird and honestly it’s depressing and cloyingly sweet. And again, borderline disingenuine. Actions speak louder than words, and all that.
I have come to believe that it does not serve to treat the living as if they are dying, and that’s what this all sounds like to me. Fear of death is fear of life, and I don’t want to live mine that way.
If I die tomorrow and you are someone that I love, I hope that you already know. I hope that you’ll be confident that if you love me, I know too. I do. I have written before about how I believe interactions and relationships require energy exchange, and I think about that in this context too. I have a little of your energy in me, and you carry mine with you. There aren’t any words I can say that would be more meaningful than that. No random quote from Pinterest can be of more comfort.
So the best way to (live and) love is to just be. Enjoy, be present. Soak up the moments and appreciate each of them. Share your playlists with each other, tell stories, FaceTime while wearing funny filters, do whatever you do. Cook meals for friends, go camping together, or just out for a run at the park.
What I mean is, it’s not the words, it’s the time.
It’s the YOU that you share, it’s the THEMthat they give in return. That is the crux of real love, the thing that underlines all of it, and that kind of connection is, thankfully, understood. You need never say it at all, because they know.
Attitude Soup 