Sick With Guilt

I guess it goes without saying that this blog is not my “day job”.  I wish it were, and if “likes” were money I’d be getting somewhere, but for now I work full-time somewhere else.  I just started a number of months ago, after staying home with my son for 3 years.  The decision to leave him (that’s how it felt to me) and give up cooking, cleaning, running errands, and napping during the day was a difficult one.  I struggled with it.  I cried.  Oh, there were many tears. 

But this is what grown-ups do, I told myself.  And if I hadn’t told myself, there were plenty of people making similar comments under their breath.  For me, being part of the corporate life was never a dream I had.  I’m not ambitious in that way.  I am a dreamer – a true Pisces – and I always wanted to stay home and paint, or write, or … I don’t know, run a sea turtle ranch.  So the day my husband and I decided that this was what had to happen, I felt like I died a little.

Months later, my perspective has changed only slightly.  I work with nice people.  It’s not a difficult job.  We are paying rent.  See?  Lots of positives.  (Detect a hint of sarcasm there?)  Still, I spend my extra time working on meditation, prayer, hypnosis, anything that will help improve my attitude and our financial state and allow me to come back home.  My heart cries out that this is where I am supposed to be.  It’s certainly where I’m most happy.

In my experience, freely admitting that I am different causes others to lash out.  I’ve been accused of being lazy.  Even selfish.  Family members, coworkers, friends, have made me feel at one point or another that if I’m not willing to die for my job, I’m not committed enough.  And honestly, that’s fine.  I have learned not to take others’ opinions so personally.  As a mom and wife working in the home, I busted my butt, day in and day out.  I participated with charities and clubs and was able to cook meals for my family and spend time with my kids.  Some people think that’s worth giving up.  Some people think it’s normal to sacrifice it.  I don’t.  I just… don’t.

This morning I called out of work.  (Well, texted.)  And even though I’m typing on the computer right now, I give my word that I am actually feeling awful.  I am normally a punctual, responsible person, and I start to feel sick to my stomach when I have to call out of work.  This morning upon rising I was greeted with a massive migraine (with pretty colors!)  So I had to text my boss and let her know.  I felt like I could “hear” the disappointment in her reply.  I feel so judged when I call out from jobs.  I try never to do it.  This morning, I must have forced myself to the car a dozen times, finally bursting into tears.  (My poor husband, perplexed, watched me silently from the window.  I’m sure he thinks he married a crazy person. He may be right.)

The thing that gets me, is that I was fighting my body and my own will, trying to make myself go to work, in order not to let someone else down.  I knew how bad I felt, I knew that I could not drive, but I dreaded so much the judgment of my peers that I was trying to go anyway.  I felt guilty.  WHY should I feel guilty?   It isn’t right that I feel so obligated to go to this building, spend my best hours there, so they can (barely) pay me, so I can get up and do it in the morning?  Why do I care so much if they believe me?  Why do I feel like a criminal?

It’s madness.  Do you guys do this or have you been in a similar situation?  Is it just me?  Or have you already found your perfect place, your passion, your path?  I’m reading lots lately on being present in the moment and changing your reality by changing  your mind.  That’s what I’ll work on today, along with sleep, because it’s the only thing that makes me feel better.

Advertisements

I Believe You Have My Stapler.

This week at work has been… challenging.  Normally I’m not one of those who looks forward to Friday any more than any other day, but this week is an exception.  Come ON, weekend!  I kept quoting “Office Space” in my head this week.  The pieces of flair, the fantasy copy machine beating, the “mmm… yeah.”  Seriously.  On the bright side, I do work with some amazing people.  So that’s nice.

Image
My “how can I help you” face

We have staff meetings a couple times a month, and fortunately they aren’t unpleasant.  As a matter of fact, they are a time of encouragement, fellowship with friends and [have I already mentioned?] there’s food.  Someone on staff volunteers to bring a treat, which could be anything.  Sometimes it’s homemade and sometimes it’s from the store.  But hey, it’s always food.  This week I volunteered to bring the food.

Now, obviously, I love food. I love to cook it, eat it, take photos of it.  I love to learn about it, read about it, experiment with it.  I sing songs to my son about his broccoli.  Admittedly, I’m a food nut.  I’m also a health and fitness enthusiast.  Sometimes vegan, sometimes paleo, but always conscious of what I’m putting into my body.  I often find myself in conversation at the office about diet, fitness, vitamins, nutrients, things of that nature.  I don’t mind it. I less-than-mind it.  I enjoy it, I light up in those kinds of conversations because food and health are my passion.

After a few minutes brainstorming, I came up with a perfect snack to represent who I am and how I think about food, and still be sweet and filling enough to satisfy everyone else at the meeting who maybe doesn’t share my food philosophies. [I also needed something that would be affordable.]  Here’s a photo:

Image

Drooling all over yourself, right?  ME TOO!  Fruit skewers.  Easy to handle, great for Summer and perfectly refreshing.  As I was making these, those little glands by my jaw kept tingling.  Oh, the anticipation of those sweet, sweet strawberries.  And the kiwi – I was ill-prepared and only had one – was SO ripe it was all I could do not to just swallow it whole.

One thing I have noticed about myself in the last couple of years, that either wasn’t the case before, or I didn’t realize before because I wasn’t eating as well as I should: I have a real, physical, visceral reaction to foods that nourish me.  It’s almost lust.  The body is alive, is made up of live cells, so when it’s fed living foods on a consistent basis, there is a palpable shift.  It starts to crave those types of foods.  Trust me, it’s real and it feels good.

Anyway, back to the office story.  At the store throwing all this fruit in my cart, I decided there should be something on the side.  A dip?  Yogurt?  I’m running through dietary restrictions in my head – so and so is gluten free, um I think so and so is doing this or that diet plan – hmm… I know!  NUTELLA!!  Delicious hazelnut spread that everyone likes.  Perfect.  So I get to the aisle number 149 over at the other end of the store, and I see the Nutella.  But just as I was about to add it to my pending purchases, another jar caught my eye.  It said Justin’s, and looked like my favorite Maple Almond Butter, but it said “Hazelnut”.  Is this real, or am I hallucinating?  Justin’s makes a delicious hazelnut spread too, but theirs has no ingredients I can’t pronounce and only 1/3 the sugar?!  Is today Christmas?!  For clarity’s sake, I’ll say here that I chose the Justin’s.  [Because of course I did.]

I went to the conference room early to set up, and the spread was delightful, just as I’d imagined it.  Granted, it did take a long time to slice up all that fruit and put it all on skewers, and I may or may not have gone to bed with a stomach ache from all the pieces I “dropped” into my mouth.  Still, it was a success and it all got eaten and I am quite proud of myself.  I did, of course, post a photo on instagram.  Hashtag CANIGETARAISE?

A photo, this time of the presentation at work:

Image

Where Have I Been All My Life?

Hiya!  Let me start by saying, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated!  I’ve been SO busy.  Like, STUPID busy.  I can’t even talk about how busy I am because I’m so busy.  And that’s life, and I’m blessed and I know it, so I’m not fussing.  Here’s what’s on my mind tonight:

Johnny Depp’s advice to Kate Moss on how to handle fame.  “Never complain, never explain.”  Brilliant. Perfect.  I’ll be honest and say that I do not think Johnny Depp is a genius, or even a man who reads books.  And yet, he so succinctly stated something that I feel should be every person’s mantra, not just celebrities.  This thought led to so many others…

I’m quitting Facebook.  Permanently?  I don’t know.  I like keeping up with old and far away friends, but that’s really all it’s good for.  I do know that it’s a time suck, it allows too many people to see into intimate parts of my life.  Parts that, when I’m honest with myself, I realize should be shared with my husband and kids and those closest to us.  This new “bare it all” version of society has blurred lines and dissolved boundaries of decency, privacy, and even civility.  There are people who have made me very uncomfortable in conversation because they literally inquire about personal details of my life, even when I say I’d rather not share them.  And saying I’d rather not share them?  Oh, the horror.   The usual response is an audible gasp, a stomping of feet, or if the conversation is a digital one, a revocation of “friend”ship.  I shouldn’t feel forced to tell you about my new job, my hair cut, or anything else about my life unless I WANT to. It’s ridiculous and I’m over it.

I’ve been doing a meditation challenge with my buds Deepak and Oprah (see here: https://chopracentermeditation.com/home). The meditation is a 21 Day Challenge I received in an email and I must say, I like a challenge.  The idea of my mind as a quiet, peaceful place sits right on the line between “shut the front door” and “get the heck outta here”.  It’s not an easy task.  Not impossible, maybe. But definitely not probable.  Still, I am trying. I have missed two days, but I will begin again tonight.  I hope to update you all at the end of the 21 days.

I also just finished Louise Hay’s book “You Can Create an Exceptional Life” (see here: http://www.hayhouse.com/details.php?ref=149&id=7621). A timely gift from my mom, a pleasant surprise on a rainy day.  I read it in 3 days and I think I may read it again.  Many of the opinions and ideas resonated with me.  Thoughts are things and we create our reality.  Yes, I believe that.  I more than believe that, I have seen it to be true.  Loving others is paramount.  Yes, I believe that as well.  Highly recommend reading this book.

Sort-of related to the previous, I am becoming more aware of myself. My thoughts, intentions, actions, create the life around me. All the time I am sending out vibrations into the universe that, in turn, sends back vibrations that match. (Simply stated, I know, but this is my simplest understanding.)   I am learning about being true to myself, being my best and highest version of me, and manifesting my greatest dreams and desires.  (Not including Liam Hemsworth – see below.)  As a Christian sometimes I wonder if these things conflict with my religion, but they do not seem to, and so far what I have read “feels” very true to me.  Does that make sense?  I want to always be growing, and moving forward, and I believe that I am.  I want to shake off negatives and swim in positives, possibilities, opportunities, and learn to receive all good things.  I say affirmations, I have a vision board, and I write in a gratitude journal.  If nothing else it certainly makes my soul feel light.  Many times I drive to work and use that time to say thank you for all my blessings, thank you for all the blessings on their way to me today, and I laugh out loud. Literally.  These exercises have made me a happier person, more accepting of myself and others and more open to life’s grand possibilities, in a short amount of time.

Liam Hemsworth.  Wait, who?  Yeah I know, he’s so young and his older brother is super hot but I can’t help who my brain decides to insert into my mid-afternoon-nap-dreams.  So me and Liam (love that name) walked around my town, holding hands. Oh my gosh, the paparazzi? How did they know you were here?  Am I going to be in the tabloids? I wish I had brushed my hair.  Ah, dang it Miley’s calling me.  (In my dream she’s friends with my little sister.)  This is inappropriate. I know it is.  Beyond you being ruggedly handsome and (I imagine) quite a good conversationalist, I’m married and old enough to have been your babysitter.  Sigh.  But I’m infatuated.  Yes, let’s hold hands.  Let’s go to my grandma’s birthday dinner and say hi to my family.  Let’s go skydiving. …  I woke up from this dream highly amused, and then a little bummed.  I love my husband with all my heart, but I do so miss the excitement of falling in love with someone.  The electricity you feel when your skin brushes theirs.  I love being in love.  Some days I miss being young and dumb and making bad choices.  Thank goodness for Oreo-fueled afternoon dreams.

Be the kind of friend you want to have.  So simple.  For me, a sort-of epiphany.  I can be gossipy and get offended easily.  I can be guarded and bristly and short with people.  But I wouldn’t like it if they treated me that way.  My brother and sister-in-law went somewhere together this weekend.  I know because they asked my husband to feed their cat.  But they never told ME where they were going?!  Ugh.  Oh, wait.  I am doing that thing that I just mentioned in the Facebook paragraph.  Light bulb moment!  So I intend to treat my friends with loving kindness and courtesy.  You get back what you put out, and this is something I didn’t even know I was failing at.

FOOD.  My food processor died so I need a new one to make protein pancakes. I went to Target and couldn’t find one I wanted at a reasonable price.  Then, I thought I’d get one at a yard sale but that thought kinda grosses me out.  So… I’m using the blender for now, it’s not great but it works.  I have posted a FEW photos to instagram, but that’s it.  I can’t wait to get some time in the kitchen to post some yummy new recipes!  I’ve given up soda, I vacillate between paleo and vegan dieting right now, and I can’t get enough kombucha.

The photo below is my new desktop background.  It speaks to my soul.

So… what’s new with you guys?

Image