To make the time go faster, I have been watching Gilmore Girls on my phone while I work out and it’s delightful. Like any true GG fan, I’ve already seen the series a number of times, but that doesn’t subtract from its charm.
I didn’t like the reboot episodes or mini-series, or whatever it was officially titled. It was too political and seemed to really strain for jokes where in the original they came fast and easy. I’m also a fan of Logan, who in real life I’d probably think was a total tool, but I’m allowed to like him because this is make-believe. I love the original show, all the quirky and lovable characters, the speedy dialogue and especially the obscure pop culture references. I’ve actually learned about a lot of random things watching the show, including Pol pot, Groucho Marx, and coffee (which I don’t drink but I do like to smell).
So right now I’m watching the episodes where Luke and Lorelai dated, then broke up, and the town had pink and blue ribbons and yada yada. There’s still some awkwardness between them and Lorelai is currently getting her coffee at Weston’s and Suki is gearing up for maternity leave from the Inn and everything is chaotic and yet somehow, in the midst of the chaos, there’s a pleasant, familiar charm. There’s a knowing that everything is going to work out like it should.
That’s my life right now.
Everything is up in the air, or rather, all the things I’ve recently thrown in the air are orbiting, and it all feels mixed up and crazy and uncertain and yet, I’m standing here, sitting here, sleeping here in the midst of it with a deep knowing that it’s not just going to be ok, it’s going to be brilliant, and I’m not just happy, I’m inching closer and closer to that deeper knowing that comes from within, that everything is exactly as it should be.
So much of my investment in Gilmore Girls has to do with whether the characters do what I think they should do (or what choices I would make if I were in their shoes). Predictably, I yell at the television a lot. But there are those times when the stars align in Stars Hollow and I feel it in my gut.
So much of my own life has to do with my choices, analyzing them, questioning them, garnering feedback on what was right or wrong or stupid or perfectly planned. Predictably, I beat myself up a lot. But there are those times when the stars align in my life and I can feel it in my gut and my spirit.
NOW is one of those times and this week I’ve experienced ALL the emotions. Fear, anxiety, frustration, outrage, relief, contentment, joy, hope, optimism, grief, determination and so on. I am so excited to see where life will takes me. I am letting go of negative things and trying new things with gusto. Hopefully the next steps for me won’t be years of silence followed by a lackluster Netflix miniseries, but if that happens, I promise to include the entire original cast, plus some interesting originals, fast talking and a satisfying conclusion. Much like the original Gilmore Girls, which I’m on my way to watch. Again.
Sitting cross-legged in my bed tonight, I’m staring at my computer screen while my 7 year old is sleeps right next to me. This last week he’s had trouble sleeping in his own bed, which is on the other side of our apartment. I’m not sure what’s causing his dis-ease, I just know I’m doing my best to help him find peaceful rest and security. If I had to guess, I’d say there are two things on his mind:
A scary cartoon he watched without permission last week. This I take full responsibility for, I was distracted and didn’t realize he had floated from something authorized to something that might frighten him.
Loneliness. He was an only child for 6 years before Kid 2 came along, and it’s tough being the Big Brother. There are times he feels (and is) brushed aside a bit because baby screams are priority. He misses his time with his Daddy and me. Exacerbating this, his room is clear on the other side of the apartment from ours, so I’d imagine it feels a little uncomfortable for him to make the long trek over there, be tucked in and kissed goodnight, and then watch the rest of the family go back to the other side of the living space.
I am not an expert Mommy. I do not always get it right. In fact, I screw up on the daily. It does not feel good, but I do the best I can to keep moving forward. To be totally honest most of the time I feel like a trapeze artist who is working without a net. My parents didn’t teach me how to parent (which is a blog series for another day). Basically what I say, how I act, what I’m aware of, it’s all guesswork. Every bit of it of every decision I make comes down to equal parts research (thanks, internet and Mom Bloggers), what I imagine I would want or need emotionally if I were in the situation as a 7 year old, and blindly attempting to calculate the most logical answer to whatever scenario we are currently knee-deep in.
All of that said, I do have compassion in spades and with a sensitive child like mine, it’s basically my super power. In this tender moment between my son and I, a question formed in my mind: What is courage?
The word courage brings to mind many different images, from soldiers fighting in battle, to patients who battle diseases like cancer, all the way to Mel Gibson’s blue-painted face in the movie Braveheart, in which he portrayed the great warrior and freedom fighter William Wallace, who was willing to give his life for his ideals and his people.
What if courage manifests in other ways? I mean, what does courage look like to a 7 year old? Well, for a child this age, courage might look something like jumping off the monkey bars, or standing up to a friend who is being a bully. Maybe, though courage is having the guts to verbalize fear and ask for help when you can’t sleep and you’ve tried thinking positive thoughts and now you really don’t know what to do. Maybe courage is walking out of the room and risking chastisement in order to escape a yucky situation.
Yep, I think for my boy to pour out his heart to us and then ask to not be left alone tonight took some serious guts. I mean, let’s be honest, many of us adults have trouble doing this! I’m proud of him for speaking up.
So on nights like tonight, when it’s been a long day and we all just want rest and the dishes can wait because my hip is hurting and I still have an article to write, when my husband texts me from the living room to say “he is out of bed again and refusing to go back”, I have to get this right. I have to match this courage with benevolence.
This consideration – the idea that kids are people, too – is something I think about fairly often in my job as Mommy, mainly because it’s not something I was given as a child. On one hand, I don’t want my son to think he’s too delicate to face minor challenges. On the other hand, I refuse to invalidate his feelings just because he’s 7. They’re his feelings, and they are real to him.
I walk quietly into the living room, around the sleeping baby, and take my oldest boy’s hand. We walk to his bed, where I plop down cross-legged and begin to investigate (as moms do). He is in tears before I can ask the first question, so I change tactics and just hold him for a while. A few moments later, I try again. He says he’s not sure what’s wrong, but he doesn’t want to sleep by himself tonight. “That’s ok”, I say without hesitation, “you don’t have to”. I continue to speak life to his little spirit, saying what I believe are helpful statements like, “it’s alright to feel afraid” and “you are safe here”. I don’t know if this is right, but I’m trying my best, against the loud sighs coming from my husband, who has been working to keep his annoyance hidden while we get this sorted out.
((Side note: My husband is not a man who thinks guys have to be “macho”. Thank goodness, he doesn’t say things like “boys don’t cry”. He is, however, a man who works very long hours at a demanding job and greatly values his rest time, so the quicker this gets resolved, the better.))
We arrive at the bed that my son and I will now share this evening, him promptly crawling beneath the covers and me grappling with the idea of being kicked, punched, and snored at all night. I know this is right, I tell my husband. I know that when I was a child and I was afraid, all I wanted was for someone to tell me I was safe. I wanted someone to say “you don’t have to be alone”, someone to validate my feelings and not force me to lie in bed, terrified of whatever thought was tormenting me at the time. Being a kid is tough enough without having your protectors leave you feeling exposed and vulnerable.
When my son thinks back over his life, and when he remembers our relationship and what kind of mom I was, so much of it won’t matter. It won’t matter what we had for dinner tonight, but it will matter that I cooked and we all sat at the table and talked and laughed and connected. It won’t matter what kind of car I drove, as much as it will matter that I was there every afternoon after school, happy to see him. It won’t matter one bit that this apartment is not always clean and sometimes (ok, at ALL times) there are clothes and toys strewn about, but it will matter that this place felt like home to him. It will matter that he felt safe here. It will matter that he had (and for as long as I’m living, he will have) a place he can go and just shake the world off. A place where he doesn’t have to live up to anything, he never needs to feel embarrassed, a place where he’s not pressured to fit into someone else’s idea of who he should be or what he should think or feel. It will matter that he didn’t have to question whether he was part of our tribe.
Deep in the depths of my soul, I want that. As a mother, it is what I strive for above anything else.
Again, I ask: What is courage? Courage is the soldier, the cancer patient, and William Wallace. Yes, all those people are brave, possibly beyond measure. But in MY life, in MY circumstance, what is courage? For a mom like me, courage is the willingness to give my boy what his soul thirsts for, even if no one else understands it. Courage is parenting him and him only, without stopping to think about what other moms (or even my own) might think. Courage is stepping away from traditional beliefs and from how I was raised in order to do it better, in order to raise a whole individual, fully functional and free from emotional baggage.
So tonight, clacking away at my old laptop with my firstborn snoring next to me, I rejoice in this budding courage – his and mine – and in the knowing that this time, I got it right.
We broke up because of bread. That’s what he’ll say. Stupid, seedy, sandwich bread. He went to the store, at 9:15 at night no less, to get some grocery items for me and he got the wrong bread and now we’re getting divorced. Sounds ludicrous, doesn’t it? Well, it’s the truth, and at the same time it’s nowhere near the whole truth. So what’s the rest of the story?
To oversimplify, he doesn’t pay attention – to me, to the things I like, to what I eat, to whether I’m happy or sad or indifferent. He doesn’t know me. He doesn’t notice. Part of that lazy unknowing is bringing home the wrong bread and then, in the morning when I’m hungry and emotional and just want a piece of toast but I can’t have it because it’s not the right thing, he says helpful things like, “Oh, so I’m the asshole now? I got your bread.”
Of course, this story is biased towards my feelings, since I’m the author. Is it reasonable to get so upset over being “forced” to eat the “wrong” bread? Probably not. Honestly, though, my hurt goes deeper than the fact that 9 times out of ten he brings the wrong grocery items home.
The bread fiasco is just one in a string of unfortunate events, each of them hurtful to me. Each time it happens, instead of apologizing or trying to understand what is upsetting to me, he defends himself and points out my flaws. It’s not exactly a recipe for productive conversation or progress.
Am I saying I’m blameless and my husband never gets hurt? Not at all. However I don’t believe he gets hurt very often, which is perhaps a benefit of being so faintly invested. From my perspective, he has it easy. He works all day. He doesn’t contribute to the household in any way aside from that. I cook the meals, clean, pay the bills, take care of school things and appointments, do all the laundry and homework, plan all the vacations and pack us for them, and so on.
I’m not a quitter. I am, however, beginning to wonder at what point do I cut my losses? At what point am I allowed (by society, by my parents, by my own conscience) to move towards my own healing and happiness?
We don’t have the same goals (or if we do, he doesn’t vocalize them). I have been working on my own for a year to clean up our credit. The most I can get out of him is a “that’s great babe” when I talk to him about it, but forget about active participation. I’ve been hoping to purchase a home and I have spoken with mortgage lenders and realtors and he doesn’t get involved in it or even ask questions. I plan an annual Disney trip and this year I’ve asked for help from a friend because it’s too stressful and involved for me to do on my own. And I know that when the time comes, he will go and enjoy the fruits of my labor, and never say thank you, and never have helped with the decision making, and just thinking about this makes me cry. I’m crying.
I want a life partner. Someone who has dreams, someone who has a plan, someone who cherishes me. What I don’t want is to have to drag someone along. Every day that goes by I worry I am wasting time with someone who thinks that just working is enough. Who thinks that he shouldn’t have to hug me or buy flowers or plan date nights because he works and because I’m living off his money. (I’ll admit that part is terrifying. How will I live? My job pays peanuts.) By the same token, I’m very careful with the money and budget because I respect all that he does to earn it. I don’t take that responsibility lightly. A few days ago I asked if he might help me with it, at least be involved in it, and his response was that if I keep complaining about it he’ll just do it. He’ll take over. I don’t want him to control it, number one because he’s not great with saving and number two because I like doing it. I honestly do. I just need help. I need a husband.
He is a kind person. He’s a nice dad. I don’t know if I’d say he’s a good dad, because he doesn’t really do things with the kids unless I make him. Our son deserves to go fishing and hiking and to learn about being a guy, and there are things that as much as it chafes me, I cannot teach him. But my husband isn’t teaching him either. Again, I cry, but this time it’s hot angry tears. My sons both deserve effort.
Maybe he’s depressed. He has mentioned it a few times, and I’ve encouraged him to get counseling and even try medication if that’s what he thinks will help. Has he taken any steps in that direction? No.
We’ve both made mistakes. I planned a hypothetical lunch about 8 years ago with a guy who is a friend from high school but he saw it as me being shady. Last Spring I found nudes on his phone of girls (plural) who aren’t me and spent a few days swallowing pieces of my heart and trying to figure out if anything I thought was real had ever truly existed. He had an explanation. It was plausible. After about 2 days of me moping he began acting annoyed that I wouldn’t “let it go”. I still haven’t let it go completely, though I don’t bring it up to him. It’s here inside me, though.
Do I worry he might read this? Not for a moment. Despite sharing links with him from time to time I’m reasonably sure he’s never read my blog. I wrote a book, published it on Amazon, and shared it with him after years of being too scared to let him see any of it, and he never even looked at it. Didn’t read one word of it.
He’s going to go the rest of his life thinking he married a crazy person who divorced him over bread. It’s heart-breaking and frustrating.
So that’s where I am today. Right now I’m making list a la Ross Gellar: Reasons to stay vs. Reasons to go. What’s better for me? For the kids? For us both? Apologies for oversharing with my handful of readers, but this blog is a journal for me and it’s important when you feel something to speak it, and that’s what I’m doing.
Nosh – Red meat. Lots of ground beef with A1 (what makes me love A1 so much? I think it’s the Raisin Paste.) For Labor Day, Dad cooked ribs and barbecue and then after that we had leftovers with A1. It’s seriously delicious.
Tunes – I hate the new Taylor Swift song. I don’t meant that ironically. I don’t love it so much I hate it, or hate it so much I love it. I just hate it. At work I’ve been switching the Pandora station from Smooth Jazz to Beethoven for Studying. I love Beethoven. The channel features a variety of talented composers, and many selections remind me of attending the symphony with my grandparents. A favorite for me this time of year is, as I’ve mentioned on the blog before, Moonlight Sonata. For some reason it always makes me think of Christmas.
Wanderlust – We surprised my Dad with a trip to the Sky High Hot Air Balloon Festival for his birthday. It’s an annual event hosted by Callaway Gardens, but none of us had ever been. Riding in a balloon was a “bucket list” item for my dad, and I have always wanted to see the balloons up close. A fun time was had by all, though I will say that I definitely prefer having my feet firmly on the ground. Aside from the balloon rides, they also had Disney’s Up! playing in one of the auditoriums, live music and fair food, stilt walkers, and a huge Classic Car Show. It was great fun!
Fitness – Yoga, particularly head and handstands. I have a great fear of anything upside down, so this week I’ve been practicing kicking up to headstands and just being at peace with the feeling. I’m hoping to get much better at it and progress to the next yogi level. Whatever that means. I basically just made it up.
Spiritual – Christie Marie Sheldon has some great videos on YouTube on energy clearing and raising vibration. I’ve been vibrating lower and lower, as the universe has kicked me in the teeth a few times this week, so I googled and found these gems. They are insightful and inspiring, and I highly recommend.
Dreams – UPDATE ON LAST WEEK’S DREAM::: MR. DECKER IS MY FRIEND ON FACEBOOK! He was one of my favorite teachers ever and I’m so happy to be connected with him again. Also I had a dream last night that I was in some old town in Prague or perhaps Croatia. Some Eastern European city with rich history and beautiful buildings. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau was there, and he asked me to dance in the street. We also had some inside joke going about me wearing a tiara, but I can’t remember why it was funny. Anyway he wasn’t Jaime from GoT, just Nikolaj and it felt very real but then I woke up. I wonder if it was one of those dreams where your spirit and someone else’s spirit meet up (astral projection) and you get to hang out for a while, and then you go home. I’m going to let myself believe this, anyway.
Photos – Balloons! Obviously. Also, my eldest son, The Dragon, just passed his High Blue Belt test at karate so like the proud and slightly overbearing mom that I am, I took about 1,000 photos of that.
TV and Film – Beautiful Creatures on NETFLIX. If you love the idea of an eccentric Jeremy Irons in a cream floor-length coat and a thick Southern accent, who may also be a warlock of some kind, you will like this movie. The film isn’t centered around his character, but he sure makes it watchable.
Between the Pages – On a recommendation, I’ve started (today!) reading a new book called The Disappearing Spoon (And Other True Tales of Madness, Love, and the History of the World from the Periodic Table of the Elements). Available on Amazon here So far, I’d give it a 5/10 but I’m only about 17 pages in. I’m hoping the promised mischief, intrigue and charm are just around the corner.
Tech – Debating this week the iPhone vs. the Android. My dad got an iPhone and he hates it. I like my iPhone, though at first I thought I’d never learn everything or get used to it. My husband has an Android phone, though, and swears by it. So which is better? Livewire breaks it down.
Eats: Fluids! No, it’s not a new diet. It’s the stomach flu!No kidding, everyone in the house was sick this week so I indulged in such delicacies as Lemon Lime Gatorade, Canada Dry Ginger Ale, and Fruit Punch Gatorade.
Pandora: Celtic music is my jam. This week I’ve been listening to a lot of it. This is possibly because I watched Braveheart a few times while I was sick (as one does), but I’ve always had an affinity for the fiddles and bawdy lyrics. If you haven’t before, search “Celtic” in Pandora, choose “Station” and give it a listen. I bet you’ll be doing an Irish jig in no time.
Michael Flatley – Irish Jigger Extraordinaire
Wanderlust: Nothing new to report, sadly. It’s a dream of mine to go to a film festival, though, and I might be close to making that happen. Fingers crossed!
Workouts: Because of the sickness, all I managed were Gatorade curls and sleep. I will say, though, that the sleep was glorious. Also, my older son is a blue belt in karate right now and I get a “kick” out of watching him practice!
Spiritual: Lots of talk about magic going on in our house this week, thanks to the Harry Potter books and Hogwarts at Universal Studios. My son and I had an interesting discussion about magic, in which he stated he didn’t realize that “real” magic existed. “Of course it does!”, I told him, hand to chest in faux dramatic fashion. I let him know the secret, as I understand it: The less a person believes in magic, the less one sees it. The more a person believes in magic, the more he or she will be able to recognize it in the world around him. He was delighted in this truth, and I was delighted to share it with him.
Dreams: Animals! I’ve had dreams about baby pandas and an avalanche of black sheep this week. I am SURE they mean something but also sure that I probably don’t want to know.
Photographing: Lots of screen shots of quotes this week. I’ve been kinda grumpy and stressed, so I keep things to help me remember nice thoughts and encouraging words.
Movies and TV: I’ve been waiting to write this portion of the blog all week! Rumor has it (and rumor actually confirmed by Vanity Fair ) that the original cast of The Karate Kid will be reuniting for a TV special! Words cannot express (at least, not any words in my limited vocabulary) the elation I experienced when I heard his news. For many reasons these films (ahem, the originals only) hold a special place in my heart. Of course, there will be a gigantic Pat Morita – sized hole in the special, but I’m hopeful that his character will be treated with honor and respect. Ralph Macchio is by all accounts quite a nice guy, and I hope this is a hit for him and Billy Zabka. I will definitely be watching!
Library: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. Seriously, I’m only 2 pages in. This week I’m taking sabbatical from work (don’t worry, they know about it) so I will try and sink my teeth in and share with you guys if I catch feelings. Or start speaking Parseltongue.
Tech: Words With Friends, mis amigos. I’ve been challenged this week by friends, former English teachers, and total strangers. I’ve won, I’ve lost, I’ve pitched my fists into the air in frustration. It’s a great way to keep the mind sharp, or to get upset about how dull your mind is. It’s one or the other. Also, check out the Robin Hood App. It’s a FREE stock trading app, and it is quite user-friendly. Aptly named after the legendary outlaw who “robbed from the rich to give to the poor”, this app promises to help the “little guy” who isn’t educated on trading to build his portfolio. Does it work? I have no idea. Right now they have a promotion going and if you sign up RIGHT OVER HERE you will receive one free share of mystery stock. You can also receive free stock for any person who signs up using your link. Free stock is free money, so go get some!
One last serious note: Rest in Peace, dear Robin Williams. It’s been three years already. Your life touched me. Your death shook me. Your legacy inspires me. **If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or considering suicide, please get help. You are not alone and you are worth fighting for. You are unrepeatable. There is a magic inside you that is all your own. (D.M.Dellinger)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Magnet
My favorite picture of this brilliant, kind spirit
A La Carte: Let’s see… A lot of my focus has been on cutting out snacks and sugars. Pure Protein bars are an “old school” favorite of mine, and I’ve had one with a piece of fruit or some cherries every day this week. Also EAS AdvantEdge shakes are great. As far as ACTUAL food, sweet potatoes are life right now. Any way I can get them, especially fries.
Tunes: Elvis! That’s right, I’m tuned in to the King this week. My 7-year-old saw a book at the store and said, “Who is Elvis?”, and I knew I had done him a great disservice. So this week we’re blasting favorites like “Teddy Bear”, “Blue Christmas”, “All Shook Up”, “Viva Las Vegas”, and “Hound Dog”. I have fond memories of dancing around to Elvis in my mom’s room, and we’ve had a fun time re-creating it at our house.
Where I’m Going: I want to go somewhere new for Christmas. Well, maybe not ON the day, but for Winter. It doesn’t snow here. I’m fantasizing about somewhere white and romantic. New York? Paris? Heck, I’d even consider somewhere out west. I like to ski! Maybe Aspen? I could ski with Tom Cruise and we could discuss our mutual disdain for vitamins and how we both do our own stunts.
Flesh: Elliptical cross-training! I forgot how much fun the elliptical can be. The ones at my gym have a setting called “X Train Backwards”, and on this setting you go 4 minutes forward, or regular, and 4 minutes back. It’s great for working quads and hamstrings, and it’s FUN. If you know me, you know fun is a necessary component in fitness. Life is too short to have it otherwise! So if there’s an elliptical at your gym and you’ve never tried it, please do! Challenge yourself with the settings, too. I like to go to the very highest level for a minute, then turn it way back down and get high reps, and repeat. (It’s a lot like doing intervals in spin class.) Another bonus: The elliptical simulates skiing motions, so you’ll be prepared for that ski date with Tom!
Soul: I did a blog post the other day about the small eclipse this month, and already I have seen a few eery things happen (ALL good) in my life. I’m reading about the BIG eclipse that’s coming and doing my best to prepare, without stressing or planning everything. I like for things to happen organically and naturally, and not be forced.
Dreams: Both dreams I remember this week took place in my grandmother’s home. She is heavily on my mind this week, and I am supposed to go and visit her, so this is probably why. I’ve also been researching our family tree and thinking about getting some oral histories from her. One final explanation is that I miss her and her home, and the time I lived there, terribly some days.
Photographing: SCHOOL IS IN! My phone is full of photos of my big 2nd Grader.
Movies and TV: I have discovered a show for children called Pocoyo. It is available on Netflix and it is adorable. Very simply animated, and narrated by a man whose voice is quite similar to the guy from Winnie the Pooh (from the 80s), it’s the only thing my toddler will pay any attention to. Before this, he would not watch TV at all.
Library: My own book. Two years ago I wrote a book to honor my grandfather and to process some of my own grief. The end result has been sitting on my computer since, and I’ve been inspired by some writer friends to go ahead and self-publish on Amazon. The issue I’m having is that it’s full of religious/spiritual references that I’ve moved on from, and I don’t want to be a phony. I’ve attempted several different edits, but none of them feels authentic to who my grandfather was. So… I’m stuck. I’m sure it’s only temporary. The next step will be figuring out how to format from Word to e-reader, and so far I can’t even get a successful download (thanks, Firefox!)
Tech:Duolingo is my best friend. I’ve been sitting up at night becoming fluent in French, in preparation for our inevitable Paris take-over. If you want to learn a language, consider using the Duolingo App. It’s fun, free, and easy to learn. Duolingo offers a variety of languages, and the lessons are short and fun. You can track your progress, earn rewards, and share Fluency percentage with friends or even have it posted on your LinkedIn profile.
On the Menu: Pork chops in A1 marinade. This was a happy accident, as the A1 bottle fell out of the fridge and busted, and, having been raised by my grandmother, I know better than to waste food. Baked sweet potatoes, steamed broccoli and yellow squash FTW.
Lyrical: No new music this week, looking for something fun and uplifting.
Walkabout: Chatta and Disney are on deck. Found some RT tickets to Rome for around $500/pp, so we might be saying “Ciao, Bella!” before my birthday! So exciting!
Temple: I took a much-needed rest week. This was completely unplanned. I had several symptoms of stress and over-training:
Fatigue – I was so tired, I could barely keep my eyes open, and even “accidentally” fell asleep a couple of times.
Weight Gain – Suddenly my weight was up 3-4 lbs, though my diet hadn’t changed.
Muscle Soreness – My legs were hurting, big time. It wasn’t just superficial pain, it was DEEP down. When I laid down, they would throb and ache.
Irritability – Emotionally, I felt so drained, and I started lashing out at people for no reason.
So, I made a decision for my health, against the advice of my ego, and I. SAT. DOWN. Difficult (and sometimes it can feel shameful) in #MomLife, but very, very necessary.
Ethereal: Listening to my August forecast on YouTube, and as always, taking lots of notes and excited to see what this month will bring. Check out my favorite reader, Kayleigh Jean, at Falcons and Pentacles.
Dreams: The only thing I remember from this week is a dream about a former teacher. Mr. Mustache was my English teacher in 8th grade, and was quite a character. I dreamed he had died, which according to this link can have several different meanings.
Photographing: Kids, Snapchat selfies, the usual.
Movies and TV: Mostly Law & Order: SVU. It’s definitely a guilty pleasure show for me. I miss Stabler, but like the new characters, too. Check it out on Netflix, or check USA channel, it’s normally running there around mid-day and afternoon.
Words on Pages: No books this week.
Tech: Looking for a new laptop, one that is versatile and user-friendly, but also will last a long time. I currently have a DELL, but I’m looking at the Chromebook too. Also loving my GIF keyboard by GIPHY, it’s fun and silly and easy to use.
Grub – Maybe because it’s Summer Time, and maybe because I live in Georgia where if the humidity doesn’t bother you the heat and humidity combination will make you question everything you thought you knew about the melting point of human flesh, I am super into ice cream this week. Two favorites are Ben & Jerry’s Urban Bourbon (delightfully indulgent) and Halo Top’s Mint Chip (light and guilt-free). The Halo Top could use more chips, but I just add some Ghirardelli baking chips and I’m good to go.
Straight Outta Pandora – artist I’m super into is BORNS. I heard the song “Dug My Heart” and it was all she wrote. Check it out here. Their music has a very… mystical quality to it. It’s 80s but it’s also modern. “American Money” is mesmerizing. Another band on my list this week is Young the Giant. Listen to “Something to Believe In” and get back to me with opinions and suggestions.
Globetrotting – Found a great deal for flights to Rome, Italy. I think it was posted by Conde Nast Traveler magazine, but don’t quote me on that. Trying to get my bro and sister-in-law on board. I’d love to be there this winter! We’ve been to the Colosseum once before but unfortunately Gladiator hadn’t come out yet, so I’ve not had the opportunity to stand inside it and scream, “Are you not entertained?” So. Life goals.
Body – My focus right now is on sleep, rest, self-care, and hydration. I notice a real difference in myself when I drink lots of water and when I get lots of quality sleep. On the fitness end, I’m spending tons of time outside, touching nature and breathing fresh air. Highly recommend this to all my fitfam/gymrat friends.
Heart and Soul – Psychometry has been on my mind this week. The following is from Wikipedia:
(from Greek: ψυχή, psukhē, “spirit, soul” and μέτρον, metron, “measure”), also known as token-object reading, or psychoscopy, is a form of extrasensory perception characterized by the claimed ability to make relevant associations from an object of unknown history by making physical contact with that object.
I don’t know if I believe a person could pick up an antique and discern things about its previous owners, but I do wholeheartedly believe that all things are energy. (Notice I didn’t say all things “have” energy.) Living things like people, plants, and animals as well as non-living things are all made of energy. Some people call this vibration. I refer to raising vibration a lot, because I believe positive things in life vibrate at a higher level than negative things, so the goal is to always raise or keep high vibration, so that you’re always energetically on the same wavelength (so to speak) with those things that are most desirable for you. For more information on attracting, check out Agnes Vivarelli on YouTube. Her videos are about vibration, manifestation, and radiating love.
What Dreams May Come – The only dream I had this week was a nightmare, so I’m not going to post about it. Hope to have a better dream story next week.
Photographing – Trail runs, nature, animals, moving away from selfies and people photos. Also, painted rocks, both hidden and found. Haven’t heard of the rock-painting phenomenon? Get Involved in Your Community!
Slow and steady wins the race.
Big and Small Screen – I have only seen a couple episodes of Criminal Minds this week, but they were good ones. The relationship between Derek and Penelope is everything. I watch this, totally enjoying their back-and-forth dialogue, and half-hoping for a hookup. Also watching SDCC footage here and there. Love the new Justice League trailer, especially Jason Momoa as Aquaman (you can follow him on Instagram ) and Ezra Miller (also on Instagram) as Flash, who my son is most exicted about. Momoa has been my main guy for a while, I’m so excited to see a spirit like his succeeding in Hollywood. Miller is a talented actor and I’m curious to see where he’ll go. Flash also seems to have all the funny lines, but maybe that’s just the trailer. Oh, and you can see the Justice League trailer from ComicCon 2017 right over here.
Between the Pages – This week I read Shakespeare’s “The Merry Wives of Windsor” for the first time. A self-professed Shakespeare lover/buff/geek, I am ashamed that I haven’t read everything he’s written. I’m not into the comedies as much and the language (and therefore the humor) can be difficult for me to digest, but I got through it. I also went to SparkNotes.com and read the synopsis. It’s a helpful website as it also gives context, informing the reader of what was going on in England at that time.
Tech – My only news here is that I finally played Pokemon GO. It was underwhelming, but thankfully I didn’t walk off any cliffs.
I went running this morning at one of my favorite parks. It’s close to my house and the scenery is breathtaking, so when the stars align and I am able to get there for a workout, I feel grateful. These days I’m trying to be outdoors more (and on the treadmill less) in order to improve my fitness and raise my vibration.
This park has several miles of woodland trails for running and mountain biking. I normally run the mountain bike trails because they’re wider, and because there’s a nice canopy of trees that shields me from the sun a bit. The downside is that there are tons of giant tree roots, and the canopy seems to hold in all the humidity, so some days it feels like running through a giant sauna obstacle course.
Today I decided to run a different route, to challenge myself and keep the ol’ neurons firing. I parked at the exit, grabbed my pretty pink pepper spray and my cell phone, and set off down the road. Little did I know, spiritual growth was waiting right around the corner for me.
Having grown up in this city, one might expect that I know a thing or twelve about this park. The number of trails, the length of those trials, elevation, length of the road, etc. Useful things. I don’t actually know any of that. The positive to this is that so far I have learned something new on each run, which I actually find exciting, so I’ve decided to stick with this “discovery-running” strategy. I have heard that there are 5-7 miles of trails in this park, though it’s also possible that I have made that number up completely. (A quick Google search did nothing to help clarify.) Anyway, I started running knowing I had somewhere between 5 and 7 miles of road to go on, and I wouldn’t make it that far anyway, so my plan was to run as far as I wanted and turn around and run back to my car.
Running through a gorgeous park on a Saturday in Georgia is a glorious experience. I said “hello” and received similar greetings from walkers, runners, bikers, kids, grandmothers, disc-golfers, and a lady carrying a casserole in one hand and a baby in the other. I could hear country music coming from the speakers of a pickup parked down by the lake, kids laughing as they played in the waterfalls, and friends encouraging each other as they cycled up a steep climb. The whole place was abuzz with activity, and I was buzzing along in the middle of it. I felt like I was in a movie, in one of those opening sequences where the camera starts out in space, and slowly zooms all the way into the town where the story takes place, until the focus is on the main characters. That thought made me smile.
As I was making my way up and down the hilly pavement, mindful of cars and trying to keep my breath steady, I thought about how far I might run today. 1 mile? If I turn around then, it would be 2 when I reached the car. It was pretty hot out. Maybe 1.5? That makes 3 total. Maybe I’ll just go .75 and then turn around, but I’ll run it faster than I’m used to.I have to go to work tonight and I don’t want to be tired and sore at the beginning of my shift. I knew I couldn’t run the 5-7 miles to the entrance even ONCE, let alone do it and turn around and run all the way back to my car.
Suddenly, just as that negative “I can’t” thought was forming, other thoughts popped up, as if to banish it before it planted roots in my brain. These other thoughts were encouraging, motivating thoughts. For example:
The story about Bruce Lee and his friend running 5 miles, and Bruce’s philosophy on life. (The story can be found HERE.)
Kathy Freston’s bookQuantum Wellness, in which she says you should always go farther than you believe you can.
The reality that part of me was trying to give up before I’d even truly begun.
What happened was simultaneously anti-climactic and miraculous:
I simply decided to run the entire path, from exit to entrance. My legs felt strong, my breathing was pretty good, and even though I had never done it before, I decided that I would do it.
That’s it. Hardly worth mentioning, right? And yet, in that millisecond that I made the choice to “just do it”, my life changed a little bit. My mindset rotated from “can’t” to “will”. There was never a question after that whether I could make it, just a quiet, confident knowing that I would.
The rest of the story is that yes, I ran it all. Guess what? The road in it’s entirety ended up being a little over two miles, beginning at the exit gate and going “all the way” around the the entrance. Yep, this thing that I had negated and barred myself from ever doing was only two miles. I had never taken the time to find out the actual distance, because I already believed it to be further than I could run!! I had counted myself out of the race without ever starting. This got me thinking – How many times in my life have I done this? With work? With friendships and relationships?
Here’s a funny thing about enlightenment, acceptance, and finally letting go of old beliefs: oftentimes we are standing on the precipice of greatness, and once we step off the edge, we can finally see the beauty of where we are headed. Before we take that first step, though, all we see is the edge. We see danger. The unknown. The unattainable. We see the can’t, won’t, shouldn’t signs all around us that discourage us from trying. So we don’t. We don’t try, we stay safe, and we continue to live our lives as we’ve always lived them, because that’s comfortable.
I’m writing this blog today to encourage you to GET UNCOMFORTABLE. Whatever edge you find yourself standing on today, take the leap! Take a step. Do something outside of your comfort zone and just see what happens.
Small picture, I ran 4 miles. This, in itself, is not a big deal, I know. The bigger picture is that I came away from this run with just a smidge more enlightenment than when I entered. A mental barrier was overcome. My perspective was significantly altered. What is can’t? What is too hard? What in life is truly unattainable? I learned an invaluable lesson about belief, ability, and being willing to say “Geronimo!” and jump off the edge, even and especially when I can’t see what’s coming next.
So much has happened. So much to say. Where to begin? Apologies if this reads like a “random thoughts” post. It sort-of is one.
There have been at least 4 separate occasions in the past 2 weeks that I told myself to put my “ass in chair” and get some writing done. Did it happen? No. Life keeps getting in the way. It’s a shame, too, because I have so much to write about. Funny things, serious things, cooking things. Mmm… food… there’s always something more that can be said about food… but I digress.
After my last post – “I Jumped”, my son fell ill. It’s not abnormal for a child who is new to daycare to catch things, so at first we weren’t alarmed. Only when he stopped eating did my internal alarm go off. He complained incessantly of tummy aches, and that’s not something he’s ever said before. We took him to the pediatrician, who said nothing was wrong, and lectured me on “good eating”. We took him to the peds ER, who said he was constipated and sent us home with some laxatives. We took him BACK to the pediatrician, who said it’s the flu (even though flu and strep tests were negative) and told us to give him tylenol and liquids. Finally, after 2 weeks of this, my son was 10 lbs down and too weak to walk. Frustrated and crying, I picked him up from my husband and went back to the Peds ER. (The pediatrician, tired of seeing us, refused to see us so the ER was the only option.) He was immediately admitted after triage, which scared me. They started IV fluids and took us to our room, where we’d live for the next week. Turns out my sweet boy had bronchitis, a raging infection in both ears, and was severely dehydrated. Our hospital stay took a toll on me, but he was a real trooper, watching SpongeBob and making jokes. Thank God for my husband and family, who visited and brought us contraband snacks. It goes without saying, I was and still am pissed at the doctors – numerous doctors – who examined my son and sent us home, each time sewing a seed of doubt in my mind. Am I going crazy? He seems really “off”. Lesson learned, my Mommy Instinct is RIGHT ON THE MONEY and I will not doubt it again and I will not take no for an answer in the future.
In happier news, Thanksgiving was rad. We spent the day in Atlanta in my Uncle’s castle. He calls it a house, but I swear, all it’s missing is a moat. Gorgeous abode. The food was good and the company was even better. Took pictures, chatted, ate, laughed, listened to stories and dreamed about the future. So grateful for experiences like these and for our loved ones.
I looked at microfilm for the first time yesterday! I’m in what feels like a never-ending search for my husband’s biological father, so we went to the local library last night to search through records. I spent an hour looking for birth records in the local paper. I found nothing and left frustrated. It wasn’t until about midnight last night that I realized I’d been looking at the wrong year. On the one hand, damnit, I am tired. On the other hand, hope renewed! I can go back and look and possibly FIND something next time!
I was accused of something at work that I know I didn’t do. Today I was vindicated. Yes, I’m still leaving, but I had prepared to fight. We don’t mess around with this girl’s integrity and reputation, mkay? Happily all was resolved to our mutual satisfaction.
Went to my first comic convention with my brother. It was TOO much fun. Got to meet some guys from the Walking Dead. I don’t watch the show but apparently it’s a big thing. I am a nerd at heart, and a super huge sci-fi/trekkie girl, so I was in my element. We are now committed to going to Dragon Con in Atlanta next year and it can’t get here soon enough! I need ideas for costumes though – there are 4 of us.
FRINGE is one of the best shows I’ve ever had the pleasure of watching. Engages my mind while entertaining me. I am a little bit obsessed.
Christmas shopping is just about done. I have a few small things to get, but for the most part, I am done and it’s all wrapped. This is the earliest I’ve ever been done, the most I’ve ever spent, and the most FUN I’ve ever had doing it. (Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals were a bust. Deals? I see no deals!?!) Anyway, I enjoy the spirit of Christmas and I can’t wait to see everyone around the tree. We spend Christmas at my brother’s house, usually beginning with a great big breakfast buffet (everyone brings something) and culminating with naps. This year I’m bringing chocolate covered bacon. Oh, yeah. I don’t say EPIC a lot but man oh man, this Christmas morning is going to be one for the record books. So excited!
Running, my love, I’m so happy to be reunited with you. Let’s go farther, faster, stronger in 2014.
Paul Walker. I didn’t like him as an actor. I mean, not that I’d seen anything besides the movie where Jessica Alba’s butt is so famously not part of her body while snorkeling for treasure, and the F&F films. HOWEVER I am sad about his passing, like many people. Some are annoyed that it’s getting so much press, saying that people die every day, soldiers and firefighters and the like, and aren’t so “virally” recognized. Yep, that’s true. The thing is, Paul Walker’s impact isn’t about him being an actor, and him being an actor doesn’t diminish his nobility. By all accounts he was a good person with a big heart. I think the reason people have responded en masse to his passing is because of that, and because he is someone we can all relate to and felt connected to. Kinda reminiscent of Heath Ledger’s passing. For me, at least.
I made sugar cookies that I saw in “Bon Appetite” magazine. I’d already been inspired by “Julie and Julia”, having watched it in the hospital one night. Thank God for free movies, because those recliners are the antithesis of comfort. There was no sleep. Til Brooklyn and beyond, I’m not even kidding. The movie was way better than I expected. I adore Stanley Tucci, he always gives a good performance and I was mesmerized by the love story there, and by Julia Child’s life, struggles, tenacity, warmth. I think I love her a little. And more than that, I really felt like I could identify with her as a person, a woman, a cook, a dreamer, a lover of France. Anyway… The cookies… I used pearl dust for the first time and was so proud, I tweeted the magazine to show them. Who knows if they saw it or cared, but I was over the moon. Here’s a photo:
On the way to a meeting today I heard “Here I go Again” by Whitesnake. I laughed because it felt like a “God wink”. Going in to the job to say goodbye to everyone and I hear THIS song? Yeah. SO not a coincidence. But it gets funnier/eerier. On the way out of saying goodbye I hear “Home Sweet Home” by Motley Crue. Two things to note here: One, I listen to awesome music. Two, I do believe I was hearing a message that I’m on my perfect life path RIGHT NOW. Lately I am open enough to recognize and receive love and abundance. This fills my heart with joy and excitement!
Painting furniture today, and finally, finally putting my hands to these keys again. Feels good. My dream is to live in a big warm home with my hubs and kids, and write for a living, and be home to cook and create and go on vacations whenever we like. I give you my word, I am on my way!