It’s a gray day and the sky is overcast and I can’t tell what time it is because everything around me is white and pale and motionless. I’m driving aimlessly towards some forgotten destination. Daydreaming. I look up and see a tiny opening in the clouds. Just a crack, just enough to allow a sliver of yellow light to peek through. As I drive the crack gets larger and golden rays begin to rain down from the heavens. I change direction. I drive towards the light. Parking in a field, I get out of the car and walk until I am underneath the ever-widening celestial portal. I stand still and let the warm sunlight dance along my face and shoulders. Goosebumps. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I smile so hard it hurts my cheeks. I bloom like the flowers in the field, hips swaying in the breeze. I am happy. I want to stay here, engulfed in sunlight, forever. Eventually the light fades and the air gets cooler and I know I will have to drive back home. I feel at once grateful for the sun’s caress and angry for having touched it, only to lose it again. Just yesterday my whole life was gray and until I looked up I hadn’t known it could be colorful. I am angry at the sun for embracing me so, for offering me a glimpse into possibility. How can I return contented to my cold, gray life? How can I think of anything else but the few moments I spent illuminated in that field? I pass the time looking up at the sky, chasing the sun, coveting her glowing affections. One tiny opening – a crack in the clouds – has changed my very existence.
And that – that is knowing you.
I am the wounded healer.
I don’t want you to feel guilty. You couldn’t have prevented this. Bleeding things are my weakness and your soul is made of my own. You were a gift from the moon herself, one I could not accept. But you promised. I have loved you before I knew who you were, before I even met me…
I cut myself open to show you
That I hurt, too
My soul dripped out
Onto your hands
And we danced…
The beginning was different. You were not like the others, then you slowly recovered and I reluctantly discovered… it wasn’t real. It never was, it could not be. It’s ok. I understand. Many have sought my radiating light. Your morning star. Temporary. Like a storm that rolls in after a week of beautiful sunshine, I knew this would come. Expected. I hoped I was wrong, hoped I could believe my dreams, hoped there was a place for us. You promised.
In the end I will be hollow
Drained from loving
All I see in that place
Is your face
I have learned to keep my distance. I will learn to shut my mouth, not let it out. Do not be seen. They don’t like that. Vulnerable. Be strong instead. Amuse them, but never reveal yourself. Do not speak of love or sadness or longing. Albatross. A lesson. A gift. …but he promised.
There is no heart in me
It sits, unbeating, next to you
Whatever you do
Throw it away
I want you to know you are different. You are everything. You are the resplendent beach house I could never really afford. I will miss you in the way one misses a beautiful thing that was not theirs to keep. I’ll hide the photographs on my bookshelf. I’ll whisper your name in my sleep. I’ll hear your voice in crowded rooms and echoes of your laughter in other universes not yet imagined. I promise.
(I love you.)