He Killed Himself

One semester away from his Masters Degree

But he couldn’t see

The light at the end of the dark tunnel

He fumbled

PTSD was too much, he was humbled

Split open

Overtaken

Outnumbered by just one.

He was a brother to her in every sense of the word

But just for a moment

He forgot himself and his family

Who he was

Depression held him, held the gun

Nowhere to run

Now it’s done

Despair won.

Rest In Peace, Nate.

If you know someone who is struggling please help them get help.

Hotline 800-273-8255

My book on Anxiety is here

Podcast on how to overcome anxiety and mental illness is here

I love you. Please don’t give up.

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Hey Guys and Dolls,

If you suffer from Anxiety, Depression, PTSD, or any mental illness, my podcast may be of value to you. Find it on iTunes, Google Play and wherever you listen to podcasts.

Click here to listen, subscribe and donate

Also, if you’re in that group of humans who continues to human every day and every night while fighting your fight, I salute you.

You motherfucking WARRIOR, you.

Love. xo

Radiant

Skipping around the corner

Of the old schoolhouse

My fingers traced the rugged brick

I saw you there and

My face burst into sunbeams.

You remember that day,

At the lake

I thought I’d missed you

You appeared and

My soul poured out of every crevice.

Once, in secret

You told me I am radiant when I smile

I didn’t tell you then

No one else has seen it like you have

My inner fire, my essence

Blinding light only you inspire.

 

Fear Itself

Thanks to everyone who has supported the book! If you haven’t already please get your copy here and keep my enterprise going!

In other AWESOME news, I have a new podcast! It’s called the Fear Itself podcast and it’s available on iTunes, Google Play and everywhere you listen to your favorite podcasts.

Please have a listen and please subscribe and support! We are already reaching a good amount of people with the truth about healing anxiety!

Story of My Life

I wrote a book.

Not just any book…I wrote THE book.

The one that’s been on my heart for years.  The one I was put here on Earth to write.

The Story of My Life

I published it myself on Amazon.

Please check it out.

If you or someone you love suffers from Anxiety or any other Mental Illness, it may help.  Even if it doesn’t, I hope you find your own path to healing.

Love and Light. xo

Quiet Desperation

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.

Although well known and oft-repeated, that’s actually a misquote.  Thoreau wrote, in Walden, that “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Here is the full quote, in context:

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.

Thoreau was talking about the void we all feel and the common impulse most humans feel to try and fill it with material things.  Walden is a journal of sorts, detailing his time in the woods and away from modern society, searching for inner peace and finding himself and new perspective there.

walden

A friend and I were discussing this “quiet desperation” quote last night, as we discussed our respective marriages and marriage in general.  Our conversation focused on the complacency that occurs after years of seeing the ins and outs and annoying habits of another human being’s existence.  I think it’s so common for husbands and wives to leave the runway together, aimed for the stars and the experience of a lifetime, only to land early on a makeshift dirt runway in a place just outside Settle Town, USA.

Was that too obnoxious an analogy? Maybe so, but you get what I’m saying.  If most new brides and grooms begin the marriage with the best of intentions – which I believe is the case – how do so many of us end up in a ditch somewhere, disoriented and disheartened and what our lives have become?

I’m not even talking about 10 years in, guys.  I myself have been married for 9 years, but the trouble started brewing quite a while ago and I don’t think we’re unique in that.  I talk to so many men and women – friends, colleagues, acquaintances – who are at most, content in their marriages and at worse, extremely unhappy and in some cases, depressed.  Most of them are not seeking divorce.  They just want to live their best lives and they want to do it with a willing partner who shares their interests and passions.

[Side note: For some reason, whenever I hear the term “quiet desperation” in my head the Queensryche song “Silent Lucidity” starts playing.  Interestingly, the song is about lucid dreaming, which is being able to consciously control what happens in your dreams.  So in a way, it’s related. ]

The “quiet desperation” quote came up discussing marriage because my friend and I were connecting on some shared issues.  The others I’ve spoken with relate to the same issues and experiences, too.  Even though all these people are having this same experience, none of them (none of us) are really talking about it.  It’s a secret struggle.  There is so much irony in something so commonplace and universal being something we hold inside and keep to ourselves and work to camouflage on social media.

Let’s don’t lead lives of quiet desperation any longer.  Let’s start talking to each other, and communicating with our spouses, and stepping outside the confines of the rules of marriage if that’s what it takes.  The only time that exists is the present, and it’s crap to waste it wondering if we are loved, wondering if we had married someone else, would we be vacationing in Mykonos right now instead of stuck at home washing dishes for an ungrateful partner.  That’s not life.  That’s not what life is for!

So how to we get back in the air?  How to do get out of Settle Town and back en route to our dreams and wildest fantasies (hopefully together with our chosen partners)?  Honesty!  Speaking our truth!  I think we all have to learn to be uncomfortable for a moment in order to be blissfully happy for a lifetime.

Believing we are alone is what fosters our desperation.  In truth, nothing is singular and everything is shared.  We are all connected.  We are all pieces of the same consciousness having several different (but oddly similar) human experiences.  As Thoreau said, we would be wise not to do desperate things.  We would be wise to realize that we are not alone, and the future is what we make it.

I’m rambling, so I’ll leave it there.  Namaste and happy Monday!  XOXO

 

Jon Favreau, Spiritual Guru

“…the future is beautiful, alright? Look out the window. It’s sunny every day here. It’s like manifest destiny. Don’t tell me we didn’t make it. We made it! We are here. And everything that is past is prologue to this. All of the shit that didn’t kill us is only… you know, all that shit. You’re gonna get over it.” – Rob (Ron Livingston), Swingers

I’ve been thinking a lot about destiny. What it is, what it means, how it works.

Every day when I pull a tarot card or cards for the day, I journal them.  Sometimes at night I just play with the cards, trying to get a feel for them and for reading.  Last night I pulled some cards not to journal, but because I wanted an answer about something.

One of the cards that popped out was the Wheel of Fortune card (from the Wild Unknown Deck).  It’s a gorgeous card, messy and colorful and full of meaning.  At the top, a crescent moon and stars. The man picture of the card resembles a Native American medicine wheel that’s been made from yarn and twigs.  A colorless sun shines beneath the wheel. An owl sits perches atop the highest twig branch.

The meaning of this card is heavy. As a 10 card it represents completion – the end of a cycle. The Wheel itself represents change rolling in, sometimes good and sometimes uncomfortable, but always necessary. I see this card as a positive one, as change brings growth and growth leads us to our highest good.  In the guidebook, it says the Wheel of Fortune is the card of Destiny.

wheel-of-fortune-wild-unknown
The Wheel of Fortune (image from Google)

Long after I’d pulled the cards and studied them, I kept thinking about the concept of Destiny.  Is it something that happens, or something that just is?  Does it happen to us or for us?  Do we all face our destiny, do we create our destiny, do we have the power to change our destiny (because free will is obviously a thing).

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that the truth of the wheel is much simpler than that. I hopped out of bed, grabbed my journal and a pen, and scribbled:

“What if it’s less about finding destiny or destiny happening to us? What if I AM destiny?”

Boom.  Lightning moment for me.  What if I – what if we all – have much more power than we believe, or were told, or have ever imagined possible, over our future and how our lives play out?

Maybe destiny is something that, on the path to spiritual enlightenment, we begin to meld with?  To have the thing, we must BE the thing, right?  To have joy, we must be joy.  To have love, we  must first be love.  This is how we match vibration and allow things to become true in our lives.

So… what if to activate a certain destiny, to realize our fate, all we have to do is become it?  Similar to a choose your own adventure novel, where one path leads to page 24 and another leads to page 116 and we get to decide our own ending.  What if that’s been the point all along?  Through shadow work, meditation, visualization, inspired action, learning, teaching, growing, loving, laughing, experiencing, and believing before we see, we both sketch out or own future – which is fluid and in motion, like the Wheel – and then step into it?

What an epiphany. That’s destiny, manifested.

 

Battlefield

Stand and fight!

Prepare for war

And face the possibility of

Losing your life

Or worse

Your heart.

Fall on your sword!

Be brave and steadfast

And prove to me

Once and for all

That you can be

My Champion

Or, if you will not fight,

Remain still and silent

Do nothing as the

Opposing forces overtake me

And my heart

And in so doing,

Die a thousand deaths

Instead of one.

Specifically

Silly rhymes and funny puns

Were a part of you

And your life so poured into mine,

They are a part of me, too.

I miss your humor and your laugh

Booming through the air

I miss the lessons I thought were play

And simply having you there.

Sneaking turkey in the kitchen

Trips to the symphony

You were the first person ever

To place real value in me.

Remember the time in Switzerland

Pretending, scientifically

What a magical time we had,

Thinking specifically.

Pictures, stories, memories

Keep you alive even now

I hope that you remember me too

As you sing your songs in the clouds.

wild

Many men have told me

I’m the one that got away

So I can’t help but wonder

Why none of them ever asked me

To stay.