contrarywise

Sometimes time runs backwards

And sometimes beggars do choose

Sometimes silence is deafening

And sometimes to win is to lose.

Rainbows aren’t always colorful

Stars don’t always shine

Sometimes lies are the only truth

The sourest grapes make the sweetest wine.

Sometimes the day feels like night time,

And sometimes we sow what we reap

Sometimes the hymn is not sung in church

Sometimes the wolf is a sheep.

Sometimes insanity grounds us

And sometimes darkness is light

Sometimes love doesn’t conquer all

Our blindness allows us clear sight.

 

 

 

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is it still a limerick if it’s sad?

you promised that you wouldn’t hurt me

you said it and i’m a fool, i believed

i’m sitting here burned down to ashes

reminiscing on life as a tree

 

i already gave you my happy

i don’t want to give you my sad

how can i mourn losing an abstract –

a lover i’ve never actually had?

 

maybe nothing i believed in was real

an illusion, a ghost, a mirage

maybe you’re scared and you’re running

and this cruelty is your camouflage

 

the day will come i’ll be alright again

i’ll remember you fondly and well

and hope that maybe, a decade on

you’ll show up and unring the bell

 

 

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I Am Woman

There’s this guy who stands outside at parent walk-up at my son’s school. I do not know him. Every day when I walk up, he stares at me. I don’t mean lingering glance, I mean full-on staring at me like a I was prancing down the sidewalk with a singing kangaroo hanging out of my purse. And he does it every. single. day.

It happened last year, too. Never a “hello” from this guy or a smile or even a weak, “you look so familiar.” Nope. He just looks at me without blinking for an inordinately long amount of time. My kids have asked me who he is. I don’t have any idea, except that he is a grown man with apparent respect and boundary issues.

Now….normally I’m not a confrontational person. My father calls me “peace keeper”. I prefer to avoid arguments when possible. I try to model problem solving behaviors to my kids. I’m not violent. But this guy, this guy is stepping over a line and I think it’s because I am female and I am small and to this man, small female equals powerless. Voiceless.

It makes me angry. It makes me wish I was some secret super-ninja so I could just reach out and snap his arm in half and leave him in a heap by his truck.

The funny thing about my size is that – as I said to my friend today – I am not small on the inside. I am mighty, lionhearted, and full of righteous indignation. You will not make repeated attempts to humiliate me or back me into a corner and not receive commensurate response.

So one day, as I was walking towards my son, this man was walking the opposite direction (towards me), his gaze fixed on my face the entire time. I had had enough. I stopped, right in front of him, took off my sunglasses, and asked him loudly if he had a problem. Yep. Gangster style. Threw out my arms and said “do you have a problem?”

Actually now that I think about it, it was much more Jennifer Love Hewitt screaming, “What do you want from me?!?” than anything else.

The guy… a bit unsettled by my Moms in da Hood behavior… stopped, looked at the ground, muttered something, and then made a beeline for his vehicle. Since then, each afternoon at walk-up, he makes a concerted effort to look anywhere else but at me. There have been a handful of afternoons that I stare directly at his face, daring him to look at me. He doesn’t.

Victory? Maybe. Maybe he’s not a bad guy. Maybe he thinks I’m a bitch (I don’t care.) I think plenty of men don’t know how scary/creepy/intimidating they can be. Maybe he was clueless. Maybe he’s just rude. I don’t know.

What I do know – or hope – is that thanks to our brief exchange he won’t choose to look at a woman like she’s on the damn dinner menu just because she’s small, or attractive, or defenseless against it. He knows now that despite appearances, she might call him on his disgusting behavior. A lion may live within her.

(Hear me roar.)

Shame on Me

I never understood the phrase “what kind of fool do you take me for?” As a child it was strange to think there might be a variety of ways one could be a fool. Now I know there are innumerable ways, incomprehensibly vast are the possibilities.

A young fool, an old fool, a stubborn fool, a blind fool, an optimistic fool, a lovesick fool… You get the idea. I suppose it should be a comfort to us that we all will embody at least one of these fool archetypes in our lifetimes.

It isn’t. In fact, my ego bristles at the thought. The mere implication that I’ve been had sends me reeling. Yet, I rush in. I take people at their word. I believe love always wins. I’m a textbook fool.

Maybe it’s not that I mind being foolish. Maybe I just don’t like having it pointed out to me. There’s the rub. It’s embarrassing to have egg on your face and worse to have to clean it up yourself because the loud accusing voices have gone eerily silent.

Fools are hopeful, generous, and sometimes make stupid choices – but I always think they have great intentions. I want to open myself up and expose my intentions. Then I wouldn’t be called a fool. I’d be called a humanitarian. Maybe if I was understood I’d be better loved.

No… Foolish to think.

looking out a window on a sunny day

Finger tips trace

The tender skin at my ankles

My wrists

I shiver

 

Years of days can’t erase

Your kiss

You lie

I sigh

 

Imagine your warm embrace

Your arms

So safe

Unafraid

 

These fantasies

Shaped like memories

Surreal

Ideal

 

Fingertips trace

The outline of your lips

Your skin

The world spins

 

Take me to Alaska

Promise me – in your igloo

There’s room

For two.

Iloveyou.

 

 

 

The Hard is What Makes it Great

Yes, I’m quoting Tom Hanks as Coach Jimmy Dugan in the classic film A League of Their Own. The entirety of the quote is thus:

“It’s supposed to be hard.  If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it.  The hard is what makes it great.”

Now, Coach Jimmy was talking about baseball in this clip, but I think this sentiment can be applied to a lot of other things in life.  The movie itself is about half the Americans who were a part of what we now call the Greatest Generation.  The extraordinary women who held this country together during World War II.  Their husbands went away to fight, and these women put on their big girl britches and handled it. They worked in factories, some joined the armed forces themselves and yes, some played professional baseball.  We women are magnificent creatures: adaptive, nurturing, capable, with strength unexpected in common hours (to borrow from Thoreau).

Tonight – in the shower, of all places – I got to thinking more about this.  It stemmed from a conversation I had earlier today about respect, dignity, equality, and all the things going on in our country and our world today, and this quote is what came to mind.  Why?  Because I cannot think of a single hero, a single inspirational story, a single great achievement that happened without some pain or struggle or sacrifice.

When we talk about the greatest generation (my grandparents), we talk about their fearlessness.  Their work ethic, their grit.  Where do you think that came from? Put simply, they had hard lives.  Yes, they were happy and yes, they lived at quite an extraordinary time in America’s history, but they definitely carried much on their shoulders.  Many of them were mature as kids, holding jobs and carrying a workload at school that was greater than ours (much greater than that of our children). They didn’t have the technology we have or many of the creature comforts that have made us soft.  Seems to me there’s something to be said for adversity.  Friction. Failure.

Nowadays there are movements to stop bullying, which I believe in and am a part of.  There are movements to respect people’s feelings, and I also am fine with that.  Movements to keep people from saying things. Movements to keep people from being triggered.  I can’t help but wonder if we’re doing this all wrong.

Shrinking this down to include only my household, I think that in my efforts to provide my kids with a soft place to land, I may be inadvertently depriving them of their potential.  I think that I am part of a generation that may be working too hard to protect ourselves and each other from the very things that will make us – and them – great.  Perhaps our kids will live up exactly to the standards we set for them.  Perhaps that bar is getting lower and lower all the time.

Does that make sense?  Maybe not, but let’s follow the thread and unravel the sweater and see what’s left behind.  My dad said something to me today about his work environment being so different than it was even 15 years ago.  “What do you mean?”, I asked him.  “Well, nowadays, if you say something that even slightly comes off as harsh, you hurt someone’s feelings, they’ll just quit on ya.”  I am so surprised by this because Dad works in construction, which historically is a field chock-full of gruff guys who can take a bit of criticism.  What – if anything – does it say about society that a man can’t correct another man’s work for fear of hurting his feelings?  Are we at a point now that we cannot hear criticism or we do not wish to improve, or we shut down and quit a job each time a situation is uncomfortable? Is this what happens when every kid in a tournament receives a participation trophy? Is this what I create when I run to the school every time my kid gets picked on?

Further down the rabbit hole, I think about the stories I’ve read or heard about great women in history.  Strong women.  (Women in particular because that’s who I identify with.  Powerful, defiant, rebellious ones – well, for the same reason.)  Fiery. Fierce.  Independent. Defiant.  The world changers.  WHY were they so strong? HOW did they become so?  WHAT was so important to them that they were willing to risk their lives? WHY are we still talking about them today? Would we know their names at all if they hadn’t experienced some injustice that lit a fire within them to reshape their world?

Would ANY of these women have made history without first being told they couldn’t?

In a word… no.

I put it in perspective for myself and ask the same questions. Would I be me if I hadn’t been hurt before?  Would I feel so triumphant if I hadn’t had to figure out how to claw myself up from rock bottom?  Would I be so passionate if no one who spoke to me was ever allowed to hurt my feelings?  I think not.  Granted, a certain amount of fire is in my blood, and I was more or less “born this way”, but I don’t think I would be this version of me if I hadn’t had to go a few rounds in the ring.

I think that kids learn resilience from standing up. I remember some parts of my own childhood and the feeling of pride that swelled in me when I finally conquered something I had been working on for ages.  I don’t believe I would have felt that pride – or felt anything at all – if someone had done the hard work for me.   Now, I have this thought when I watch my own kids struggling.  Of course I want to run to them when they are frustrated about trying something for the twentieth time.  I want to reach down, swoop them up in my arms, complete the task for them and make it all better.  If I’m honest, though, that’s got nothing to do with them and everything to do with me.  I want to make ME feel better.  I want to soothe my OWN heartache.  I want to keep myself from hurting because when they are upset, of course I feel it.

I’ve resolved to hike up my boots and get the fuck over that.

You see, before they can stand, they have to be allowed to fall down.  We do them no favors by shielding them from ugly and uncomfortable parts of life.  In fact, we do them a great disservice.  We underestimate their capabilities when we don’t let them handle difficult tasks on their own.  They need to find their own voices, and then they need to figure out what they want to use those voices to say.  Without adversity, they cannot ever truly discover who they are and why they believe what they do.

Life is hard for all of us. It’s a struggle.  It is, and I know it is, and I am not making light of that or trying to minimize it in any way.  There are big hurdles for each of us, and each journey is different.  Divorce.  Death.  Sickness.  Pain.  Heartache.  I have been hurt a lot in my life, many times by people I love and trust.  That’s very hard to go through.  It’s hard to heal from.  Hard to talk about, and hard to forgive.  Hard to move forward, hard to grow, and hard not to get stuck in resentment or bitterness.  The hard, though, is part of the journey.  Without the trials, there couldn’t be triumph.  We cannot be victors if we are unwilling to step into the skirmish for fear of having our feelings hurt.

(I say this with love, as I am one of the MOST sensitive souls out here. I’m not advocating for rudeness, but I know that rude people exist. My kids will either crumble into dust at their first unpleasant conversation, or they will know how to handle it and feel secure in themselves.  I want them to be bold and confident and capable. That’s what I’m getting at with all this.)

I want my kids to know that life is good, that it’s full of love and light and good people and potential and promise.  There’s another side to that coin, though.  I also want them to know that life is grind and sweat and conflict and strife and it’s fucking hard.  I never want to see them hurt.  I do want to see them succeed – and I want to see fire in their eyes when they do.  I’d much rather have world-changers as kids than comfortable semi-adults who can’t handle confrontation.  It’s SUPPOSED to be hard.  After all, the hard is what makes it great.

tom-hanks2
There’s no crying in construction

Presume

I like the taste of cigarettes

The tingle of regret

In my mouth

Acting out

I like the smell of gasoline

Holding fire in my hands

Watching it dance

Conjuring

They don’t know who I am

Precious. Gentle.

No

I am depth and wisdom and passion

A warrior queen

How dare they approach me

With their sad eyes

And try

To

Hold me gently

Like some wounded bird?

I’m not fragile like a flower

Dainty. Pretty. Decoration.

I’m fragile like a bomb

Enticing. Explosive. Destruction.

Pow.

Not a delicate ship meant to sail

On calm waters

And never

Into the storm

I am mightier than the rest, and

I want the tempest

Roaring waves, thunder, chaos

I want to be wrecked

Smashed into bits. Pieces.

All hands on deck…

 

City of Hearts

I’ve just returned from Paris, and I will never be the same.

That is the long and short of it.  If you stopped reading right here, you’d understand the general sentiment of this blog post.  I spent a week in a city I hadn’t seen in 27 long years, and in that week I found my heart and promptly lost it again.

IMG_4695
Arriving at the CDG Airport

The last time I was in Paris, I was 11 years old. It was my second trip to Europe, thanks to my generous grandparents, who splurged so the whole family could go on vacation together.  I don’t remember much about the trip, beyond the sandwiches on the trains and how much I enjoyed Orangina.

Experiencing this beautiful city at the age of 38 was like seeing it for the very first time.  It was cold and overcast much of the time, which I think added a bit of mystique to an already fascinating place.  I didn’t have a plan for sight-seeing, just a list of “must do’s” and a little bit of money in my pocket.  (Truth be told, I relied heavily on my credit cards for certain things, like Uber and Lyft when I didn’t want to take the Metro.)

I found Paris, as a friend predicted I would, much changed.  There were no painters perched along the bridges on the Seine, and I don’t know if that’s because they don’t go out in the Winter months, or because they don’t go out at all any more.  All of the gift shops in the heavy traffic areas carry the same merchandise.  There is a heavy Muslim presence there, which I found surprising, and I worry that the French way of life is being diluted.

Still, the good far outweighed the bad.  While I had heard that there were dangerous areas and “no-go zones” as well as Yellow Vest (Gillets Jaunes) protests going on, I didn’t see any of it.  I, along with my husband, brother, and sister-in-law, traipsed around at leisure and fortunately saw everything I wanted to in the week I was there.

IMG_4753
Notre Dame Cathedral – Stunning!

Paris as a city has a pulse. There are a LOT of people there, and it’s a lot like New York in that it’s always moving, always breathing.  People walk everywhere here, and they walk quickly.  I had to really hoof it to keep up.  It’s no wonder they’re all thin, even with all the bread consumption. They ride bikes and take the metro, and they all seemed like they had somewhere important to be.

The people are also – in my opinion – very beautiful. (And not rude at all!  So friendly.)  The women wear minimal makeup and they look put together.  The men were dressed in long coats and scarfs, and were so handsome.  I am convinced I saw an actual supermodel once or twice on the street. Gorgeous gods and goddesses floating down the sidewalk faster than I could power walk.

What else? The food! Oh, the food! Incroyable! Magnifique! We ate at a different place for every meal, which was super fun and felt like real soul expansion.  I tried dishes that I hadn’t heard of and had chocolate mousse for lunch at least twice. I used my very best French to converse with Parisians, and they indulged me as I giggled out the words.

IMG_4886
A la marche – At the market

I so enjoyed the adventure of it all.  Figuring out the metro and getting lost in neighborhoods, only to find the cutest little cafes and bakeries (patisseries), and share laughs with the locals.  I hesitate to share too much here for fear of giving away the magic.

Paris is a city that has had my heart for a long time, and it recaptured my heart and spirit this week.  How is it possible that such a short trip could be so transformative? I think I know –  Total immersion in another culture, if you’re open to it, is instantly life-changing.  Simply seeing a world outside of the one you know. Realizing the world is so big and you are just a small part of it, and that people are at once so amazingly different and so very similar, leads to some shifting in the soul.  I am changed.  I will never be who I was before I left, and I’m so grateful for that.  I am already planning a return trip, as well as trips to other countries.

Until then, I have these most amazing photos and memories to hold close to my heart.

IMG_5049
Can you feel the joy? Radiating happiness.

 

He Killed Himself

One semester away from his Masters Degree

But he couldn’t see

The light at the end of the dark tunnel

He fumbled

PTSD was too much, he was humbled

Split open

Overtaken

Outnumbered

By one.

He was a brother to her in every sense

But for a brief moment

He forgot himself and his family

Who he was

Depression held him, held the gun

Nowhere to run

Now it’s done

Despair won.

Rest In Peace, Nate.

If you know someone who is struggling please help them get help.

Hotline 800-273-8255

My book on Anxiety is here

Podcast on how to overcome anxiety and mental illness is here

I love you. Please don’t give up.