Some people say that when loved ones die we (wrongly) anoint them to god or saint status. Fair argument. But what is a saint, except a human who loved others exceptionally well? What is a god, except an extraterrestrial being who guides, assists, blesses, fights for, loves?
And besides my very valid questions above, I completely disagree.
I may be the only person who thinks the way I do about it, but that’s ok with me, it’s nothing new.
If every interaction we have with every person we come in contact with is an energy exchange, positive or negative, it stands to reason that I am justified in my aching. From the barista in the drive-thru at Starbucks to our most intimate relations, everything is an energy exchange. I’ve written before about how I think we all start as solid pieces, solid colors, and (hopefully) when we die, our souls are more like tile mosaics, made up of all the beautiful and challenging interactions we’ve had with others on this planet.
So, assuming for a moment this theory of mine as true, it would mean that there are not one, not a few, but several pieces of me that contain your energy. That are you. If we were able to actually count and calculate the exchanges we have had, from my birth until now, and then quantify the effect they’ve had on me – my personality, my beliefs, my heart, even my manner of speaking or way of looking at the world – what percentage of me would they make up?
[On the other hand, of course, that would mean that parts of you (perhaps the same amount) are me. Your mosaic contains me.]
Now that you’ve moved from the physical and you exist in the ether, the parts of me that are you are pulling, like magnets, for all the other parts. I think they are on a specific frequency. I could feel you when you were here on the earthly plane with me and I can feel your absence since you’ve departed. I feel it physically, in my body, down to my cells, in my very soul.
That, for me, is why the depth of pain makes perfect sense to me. Why the words and tears pour out at all hours of the day and night. Why it hurts when I breathe, and sleep, and perform any function that is a part of my human experience. Part of me is not having the human experience anymore. A large part, if my theory is correct. It’s floating around somewhere, eternal and timeless and perfect, and I will not be whole again until I reconnect with it. With you.
I completely understand why someone who isn’t in touch with energy or who doesn’t feel things the way I do might see my grief and judge me for worshiping you. I also don’t care. How fortunate are they to be so ignorant. How fortunate am I to have this power, this love. (For some reason the movie Starman comes to mind whenever I think about this – how, for a human I am sometimes not very human.)
Oh, please help me continue to move forward, for however many more steps I must take until I get there. Help me make something meaningful of this life.