2 and a half (part 1)

It’s been two and a half years, almost to the day.

My hands are clammy and I am fidgeting with the big turquoise ring on my right ring finger. I love this ring. It’s one of the oldest pieces of jewelry I own, something I purchased with my own money from a job I got myself, in a city neither of my parents had lived in before. I purchased it at a store with a kind-of “Abercrombie for hippies” vibe called Urban Outfitters.

The stone is real, and huge and just this side of gaudy. I wear it almost daily, even now. Gosh, those were the days, when I was young and having fun and wasting my potential, secure in the knowledge that I had time to figure out my life.

Watching the trees pass by out the window, I strain to see behind them. Every few seconds, if I purposely blur my vision just so, I think I can see through the forest. I’ve become very good at games like this. They help to distract my mind from what’s happening, where I’m going and why.

We are pulling into the driveway now. I take a deep breath and put a hand on my belly to steady myself. “You can do this”, I whisper. Most of the car ride, when my gaze is not on the trees, my eyes are down, concentrated on my hands, my lap, my feet, anything but the route. I feel like a young girl who is waiting to be disciplined, anxious of what’s to come and fighting back tears.

I only drive this way to see my dad, and this time I know he will not be there at the door to greet me. This visit to his house where we shared so many special moments will be different. The beautiful white house he built. Soon it will belong to someone else – to strangers. I do not want to enjoy the scenery, or to recognize the landmarks, or smile at the familiar small-town shops as we make this dirge, my little family and I. So I look down, and I take deep breaths and I fiddle with my gaudy turquoise ring.

*******************************

Treasure

“I want to make all your fantasies come true”, he whispers softly in my ear, before turning to look away from me and back towards the sunset we have just watched together.

My eyes begin to well up with tears and I get a catch in my throat. I clear it – a quiet “ahem” – and blink the tears away before he can see the effect his words have had on me. He is trying to be sweet. I know. I wish I wasn’t so damaged. I wish I wasn’t so… well, … me. I wish I could tell him in words that would make sense that my deepest, truest, most primal desire is not what he thinks it is.

My fantasy – the thing I imagine and long for and throw pennies into fountains for – isn’t a house, or a car, or even to win a game show, as cool as that would be. My fantasy is simply to be loved. Oh, to be a woman who is seen through the eyes of a man who thinks he has found the last true treasure on Earth! To be admired, cherished, kept safely in the arms of another. It is all I have ever wanted, and it is the only want of mine that as of this moment, has eluded me. I don’t tell him. I don’t know if I will ever tell him, but for now, I choose not to spoil the moment.

Still Life [version 1]

She grew up here, in this garden.

Rooted in the soil, watered by the rain and heated by the sun.  Not nourished by the sun, exactly, as she had never been brave enough to expose herself to its light.  Not refreshed by the rain, exactly, since she never let it touch her face. But this was fine.  This was life.

She was a tightly closed bud with delicate yellow petals, and even shut into herself like this, she was a wonder to behold. Every day people walked by the garden on their way to – she didn’t know where – and sometimes they’d stop and look at all the flowers and plants.  Their eyes were always drawn to her, because she was tall and graceful and otherworldly.  Still, they could not truly see her, as she remained tightly shut, afraid to let in the light.

One day, a man stopped on the sidewalk to peruse the flowers, as people often did.  He noticed her like all the rest before him, for she was tall and graceful and otherworldly.  But he didn’t just look at her and walk away.  Curious and inspired, he knelt gracefully beside the garden, leaned his face over her, and began to whisper in a voice so low that only she could hear.

He told her she was lovely – a treasure, if truth be told.  He told her she was a gift too precious to stay so tightly shut.  He told her she was unique, and he had never known another like her.  He told her it was safe to look upon the sunlight – that even though it might seem scary to expose her true self, the risk would be worth it.

When he was satisfied with all he had said, the man stood up, brushed the dirt off his hands, and walked away.

She – the tightly closed bud with delicate yellow petals – stood tall and motionless, but the man and his remarks touched her deeply.  His words echoed in the raindrops that fell heavy and loud over the garden that night.

The next morning, she decided to face her fears, and she began to stretch out her long, lovely petals. For the first time she felt a bit of the sun’s warmth inside her and she knew she could never be shut again.

Over the course of the day the beautiful yellow flower opened herself completely to the bright sun above.  She allowed herself to be vulnerable.  She allowed herself to be brave.  In doing so, she revealed her nearly indescribable beauty to the world around her, and she made it a better place.  People now stopped to photograph the garden and several of them gasped at the ethereal, glittering light that seemed to radiate out from the tips of her petals.  She was happier than she had ever been.

She had bloomed.

A few more days went by and the once tightly closed bud, who was now a fully realized golden garden goddess, began to notice some changes in herself.  Her leaves were drooping a bit, her petals sagging and falling off.  She knew what was happening, but she hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly.  Just as she was pondering her newly wilting countenance, she felt the cool of a shadow over her.  It was the kind stranger who had awakened her days earlier, come to whisper to her once more.

Ever so gently he leaned down and again spoke in a voice that only she could perceive.

He told her she was lovely, but more than that, she was brave.  He told her that her courage had transformed the world.  He pointed out that ladybugs, bees, and butterflies had been attracted to her radiant aura, her honey-like scent.  He told her about the crowds of people who had come to see her.  He told her he had painted a most incredible portrait of her and he thanked her for her gift.

When he was satisfied with all he had said, the man stood up, brushed off his hands, and walked away again.

By nightfall, the beautiful flower had wilted completely to the ground.  She lay there, cool in the dirt, and pondered her long life shut away from the sun – and her short but glorious time under its rays.  It was worth it, she knew.

She had been closed off for so long, until a magnanimous stranger simultaneously enlivened and doomed her.  His near-silent, secret whispers had provoked her to the edge of her greatest fears.  He had introduced her to the sun.  Oh! – the hot, beaming, delicious sunlight – and how it playfully danced and glided over her magnificent petals.  That was her favorite part.

She prepared herself for the slow and peaceful fading back down into the earth that had born her, and she considered the irony that in destroying herself she had finally learned what it was to live.

Her life had not been the garden, or the breeze, or the people walking by or even in how long she stood there, afraid and tightly shut.  No, all of that was simply existing.  For the tightly closed bud with the beautiful yellow petals, the meaning of life – and the measure of it, too – was in the blossoming.

Unselfish Stories – Mission of Mercy

This lady’s name is Amanda, and she’s changing the world.

Want to change it with her?  It’s not as difficult as you might think.

Read all about it:  http://www.unselfishstories.com/mission-of-mercy/

Thirteen Reasons Why: My First Book Review

Disclaimer: I have not been compensated and was not retained by the author, publisher, or any other person or persons to review this book.  I just read a lot, liked it, and want to write about it.  The opinions expressed below are my own.

“Thirteen Reasons Why” is a best-selling Young Adult novel by Jay Asher.  It’s a haunting story told by high schooler Clay Jensen, an all-around nice guy and friend to troubled (and recently deceased) classmate, Hannah Baker.

Hannah’s death comes as a shock to many, but unbeknownst to them, she has set a plan in motion to explain it.  Not to everyone – just to the people who were, whether directly or indirectly, involved in her passing.

It’s an easy, exciting read and (hallelujah!) a new concept.  While aimed at a teenage demographic, the writer does not condescend or ‘dumb it down’, and still manages to capture accurately the sometimes horrific sub-culture that is High School, USA.  The dialogue is smart and relate-able, and most importantly, believable.

Asher has found a new way to discuss an old, much talked-about subject: Bullying.  It happened when I was in school, and it happens now.  We hear about it more now thanks to social media, and that also contributes to more drastic actions by teens and unfortunately, frequently dismal outcomes.  This is what we see (or hear) happening to Hannah Baker.  A new student at a new school whose world is slowly destroyed by others, some never realizing the damage they’ve done.  He also conquers a the difficult topic of suicide, and reminds the reader that oftentimes a person’s screams for help are just whispers.  But if you listen, you can hear them.  Unfortunately for Hannah, they didn’t listen.  Now she’ll make sure they do…

Anyone who is in high school, has a child or relative in high school, or who simply wants to be more aware, should read this book.   Not only does it shed light on the real struggles (and perceived “life altering” effect of those struggles) that teenagers face, it also reminds us that what we do and say to others has meaning.  Sometimes a flippant remark can remain lodged in someone’s psyche indefinitely.  We should all be more careful with how we treat each other.   The Bible says the power of life and death are in the tongue [Prov. 18:21] and sadly, sometimes it’s more true than we want to know.

To learn more or purchase this book: http://www.amazon.com/Thirteen-Reasons-Why-Jay-Asher/dp/159514188X/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&sr=&qid=

To find mental health counseling in your area: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/

And finally, if you or someone you know is contemplating suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1 (800) 273-8255.IMG_3345