It’s What’s Inside That Counts ?

“Who are you, really?”

I ask this person in the mirror, who asks me the same question.  I think she’s mocking me.

There is a battle waging within me, between my heart and my head.  It’s about my job.  It’s about my purpose.  It’s about quitting my job and finding my purpose.  My heart says “FIND YOUR BLISS!  FOLLOW YOUR PASSION!” while my head screams, “PAY YOUR BILLS! PASSION DOESN’T BUY GROCERIES!”  (Which, in most instances, is true.)

Can I please have both?  Is there a way to make a career out of something I love?

The job I’m in now, I’ve been in for 5 months.  It’s fine.  It DOES fulfill certain things I felt I was lacking, such as a solid group of girlfriends, and helping people.  However it is too “full time” for me, too mundane for my bohemian-mommy lifestyle.

What kind of job is ideal for me?  The kind that offers freedom.  The kind where I create.  Make.  Express.  So… writing, cooking (especially baking), painting, crafts and using my hands, photography…even pottery if I knew how to do that.  A job that feels creative and free and that is like an extension of myself.

Lately I’m reading lots of abundance materials. Law of attraction. Motivation, inspiration, emails and newsletters about being who you were MEANT TO BE.  I am so inspired by them.  At the same time, I feel like I am having an internal crisis.  Society tells me that if I want a new home, I have to slave for 30 years and then buy it.  I can’t just ask for it.  The unwritten rule book of “the way it is and always has been” states  that I must go to work Monday through Friday from 7-5 and sit at my desk and answer the phone and earn my [meager] paycheck and be content with that.

My soul is asking me to jump off a cliff and I can’t see what’s at the bottom.  I’m a planner, a list-maker, I check my bank balance each morning before I head out the door.  I like preparation.  How can I just trust and take the leap?  How do I even know where to jump?

I know that all the greatest figures in history MADE history because they were brave, willing to step out into the unknown and live the life they’d always imagined [paraphrasing Thoreau, whose Walden is one of my favorite, most refreshing reads].  I want that for myself. I think am ready to be who I really am.

Please comment if you’ve got advice or stories or anything to share.

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